stream-of-consciousness post on Christmas

Wow!  I haven’t blogged in almost a week!  I must be busy.

Last night (Sunday) we hosted a Christmas party for church members who A) give of their time and talents to our church or B) are new members of our church.  Only about one-third of the invitees came (it’s a busy time of year), but everyone who came seemed to have a good time.  Our dining room table was undeniably loaded with the “festive treats and appetizers” that people had brought, as well as some I had made, so no one had any excuse to go hungry.  My vodka slush*, which is a standard at this annual party, was just about gone by the end of the evening, as was my hot apple cider.  So, it was a good party.  We had a Christmas song sing-along, with me on the piano and everyone choosing songs from the Christmas songs lyric books I distributed. (Thank you, Reader’s Digest Christmas Songbook!)  Best of all, there was plenty of leftovers!  I’m munching on homemade Chex mix as I type.

The house is beautifully clean right now with the Christmas decorations all in place (except for the breakable ones, which I’ve left packed for the past few years).  I love having my house look like this.  Too bad that most of the crap stuff that usually sits around the house is now sitting upstairs in my bedroom.  Sigh…  I think I’ll just stay downstairs.

Getting ready for the party reminded me, once again, how efficiently I can work when I have a deadline.  Of course, that realization always leaves me feeling guilty that I don’t work like that all the time.  I know that in this issue, I’m probably the same as 95% of women out there (as evidenced by my Facebook status, where I said, “If I didn’t have parties, my house would never get clean!” and a number of women agreed with me), but it IS frustrating.  I had really hoped to stay on top of the clutter this year.

In fact, as 2009 draws to a close and I think back on what I hoped to accomplish this year and realize how little of it actually happened, it’s a bit depressing.  But, I try to look on the positive side of things, and that’s what a new year is for!  Wipe the slate clean from the mistakes of the old year!  Try again!  I’m not the same person I was a year ago; I hope that, if nothing else, I at least get closer to achieving my goals this year.  There are some big unfinished projects that got ZERO done on them in 2009, and I hope to change that in 2010.

One thing I learned in 2009, or at least learned more and stronger than I have in the past, is that happiness is a choice, a state of mind on which we can have a direct impact.  So much of life is chosen for us, but we can choose to look at the glass as half-empty or half-full.  When I’m feeling anxious, that’s obviously harder to do, but I truly feel that this year I’ve learned to become better at looking life optimistically even when I’ve been anxious.  I’m proud of myself for that.  And, strangely enough, my inspiration in that area has come from the deaths of my grandma and my aunt.  As mother and daughter they had similar personalities, and now that they’re gone, I’ve thought about them so much more than I did when they were alive.  At first that seems strange to me, but as I’ve talked about it to a few people, I’ve learned that apparently it’s not that strange at all.

I often think about my grandma and aunt, and I still choke up when I sing hymns that talk about the “saints triumphant” or similar themes.  We sang “Rejoice, Rejoice Believers” in church on Sunday, and I started crying during verse 3:

You saints, who here in patience your cross and suffrings bore,
Shall live and reign forever when sorrow is no more.
Around the throne of glory the Lamb you shall behold;
In triumph lay before him your shining crowns of gold.

So, I think about them a lot, and I long to be in heaven myself.  Because even when it is approached with a spirit of optimism, life is hard.  But that’s why Jesus came to earth, right?  He came to earth to be our substitute, so that we could someday look forward to heaven.  Not surprisingly, that truth, one that I’ve always known, has struck me deeply this Christmas season.  I feel the true meaning of Christmas deeply.  I know that it’s a jolly and wonderful time of year, and it is, but truly, it’s a serious time of year.  I remember a Christmas song that my college choir sang once, entitled “Born to Die.”  That’s what Christmas truly is about.

It seems that when you’re a child, Christmas is about the lights and presents and decorations and sweets and songs — and Jesus.  When you’re an adult, Christmas is still those things, but the Jesus part takes on a lot more meaning.  Plus, as an adult, you have to make the magic happen for your children, but I already wrote about that.

I’m happy.  I’m glad it’s December.  I’m glad, once again, to have my house decorated, to be nibbling on yummy treats all day long, to be planning presents and writing out cards and doing the extra stuff that the season requires.  But there’s a seriousness to it all, too.  There are many people whom I care about who have real problems that they’re dealing with.  Family members, for whom my grandma and my aunt were integral parts of their holiday celebrations, are going to have their first Christmas without them.  Problems of all sorts continue to happen in the world.  Life is not easy.

But, then comes the news that Jesus has come.  He has come not only to live the perfect life we couldn’t live, but also to take on the punishment that we deserved.  That’s an awful lot of love.  And Christmas was the start of it all.

It’s a lovely time of year.

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* Vodka Slush recipe

2 quarts cranapple juice
2 C. water
2-3 C. vodka
12 oz. can frozen concentrate lemonade (I thaw it first)
12 oz. can frozen concentrate orange juice (I thaw it first)

Combine all ingredients in freezer proof container.  (I use an old 1.25 gallon ice cream bucket that I keep in a high-up cupboard just for this annual use.)  Put in the freezer.  Stir 3 times during the first 24 hours.  Scoop into glass and fill to taste with white soda or ginger ale.

elvish thievery?

It’s been exceedingly cold here lately, at least by Northern California standards.  My computer tells me that the current temperature is 46.  Midwesterners may not find that cold, but for us this is downright chilly!  We had a little rain Sunday night, and it left a visible snowfall on the East Bay hills, which, to my eyes, is lovely to behold.  Likely there will be more snow on those hills, as the forecast for the next nine days shows rain every single one of those days except for next Tuesday.  Maybe, just maybe, for once I’ll even see a little snow dusting my driveway.  What a treat that would be!

But snow or not, it is COLD today.  Our heater kicks in much more frequently than usual, and the downstairs of our house still doesn’t seem to be getting warm!  Nevertheless, my kids still kick off their blankets at night and stay warm as toast, while JJ and I wear multiple layers to bed and huddle under our multiple blankets trying to get warm.  Go figure.

The arrival of the cold weather apparently also brought the arrival of some elves into our house.  A number of important items have been lost lately, and they have not yet resurfaced.  They’ve been searched for, but they seem to have vanished.  I suspect the elves that seem to have arrived along with the boxes of Christmas decorations are thievish little rascals.

For example, our digital camera is gone.  We have no clue where it is.  It would be useful to elves to have a camera to record their lives, right?  So that must be the answer.

Curious J’s lovey blanket is gone, along with one of her few remaining good pacifiers.  This could have been a catastrophe, were it not for the twin lovey that I had hidden in the laundry room as a back-up.  But, where is the lovey?  Where did Curious J the elves hide it?

A number of favorite Christmas CD’s are missing, along with two very important Christmas CD’s that I use in teaching my holiday music classes.  I had them a week ago, and now they vanished.  This could not possibly be my fault, so it must be the elves!

Well, elves, I have a warning for you: Just because our house is a mess with preparations for Christmas does not mean that you can merrily trot off with our stuff!  Any elves caught stealing items from these premises will be dealt with severely!

In other words, I’ll be talking to the big fat guy in the red suit.  Take that, elves!

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And now that THAT has been stated, I’m going to go clean the house.  No use letting those elves have access to unnecessary stuff!

sisterly love

While my girls do their fair share of getting on each others’ nerves and driving the other bonkers, there are also a good number of moments when they get along beautifully.  Last night was one of those moments:

It was after supper (well-fed children get along more amiably than hungry children!)  I was in the process of bringing boxes of Christmas decorations downstairs to the living room.  Lyd was, of course, peeking into some of the boxes to see what was inside, and she found some little strands of jingle bells.  Not too much later, I heard Lyd and Curious J’s voices coming from inside the guest room closet.  (That closet is the only one in the house that isn’t full; we keep it open for company to use.)  The light was on, and inside I heard Lyd teaching the song “Jingle Bells” to her little sister.  Lyd was dedicately teaching her the song, and Curious J was avidly listening and following instructions and echoing and singing along.

Oh!  Break my heart cute!

I do love seeing those two girls become better friends every day.

cookie baking day!

Today my good friend J and I got together for a Christmas cookie baking day!  The idea was that we would each choose three kinds of cookies to make, make them all at my house (I have a double oven), and then split everything up so that we would each end up with a single batch of six different kinds of cookies.  We were a bit over-zealous in our planning, thinking we would each complete three double batches of cookies in a few short hours, so we had to finish our batches later on at our respective homes.  However, the time we spent together was extremely enjoyable, and we managed to get a lot done in the time we spent together.  The icing on the cake (or, in this case, on the cookie) was that our daughters, who are the same age, played the best together that they ever have.  Yay!

I thought I would share the three cookie recipes that I made today with you all.  Enjoy!

1) Christmas Wreath cookies

2) Peanut Candy

• 1 pound almond bark (I used vanilla-flavored)
• 12 oz. bag of real chocolate chips
• 1 pound salted peanuts

Melt almond bark, and melt in chocolate chips.  Stir in nuts and drop into small clusters on waxed paper.  Let cool.  If you double the recipe (like I did), you could use one bag of dark chocolate chips and one bag of milk chocolate.  Suit yourself!

3) Snowballs (aka. Russian Tea Cakes, Swedish Tea Cakes, Mexican Wedding Cakes, Butterballs)

• 1 C. butter, softened
• 1/2 C. powdered sugar
• 1 tsp. vanilla
• 2 1/4 C. flour
• 1/4 tsp. salt (optional)
• 3/4 – 1 C. finely chopped nuts (I use pecans)
• powdered sugar

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.  Cream butter, 1/2 cup powdered sugar, and the vanilla in a large bowl with electric mixer on medium speed.  Add in flour and salt, then add nuts.

Shape dough into 1-inch balls.  Place about 2 inches apart on ungreased cookie sheet.  Bake 8 to 9 minutes or until set but not brown.  Immediately remove from cookie sheet, and roll in powdered sugar.  Cool completely on wire rack (or, if you’re like me, on an old cereal box opened up with the printed side down).  Roll in powdered sugar again.

Try not to eat all these delicious treats yourself.  Good luck!

“making” the holidays

Now that I’m a parent, the holiday season always seems to stress me out.  I don’t remember being stressed out about the holidays during my childhood.  Christmastime was a time of high anticipation and expectation, where presents magically appeared, special food was available for the eating, colorful decorations showed up, and beautiful music floated through the air.  I realize now how much extra work the adults in my life put in to make Christmas such a special time for me and the other children in my family.

Our local edition of “Parenting on the Peninsula” had an article from the editor where she wrote:

“December was always my favorite month of the year as a child.  But my mother always said she hated it.  I could never understand her complaining about “the Holidays” until now.  I guess it is because the holidays are for the youth of the world.  Children are always excited about the possibilities of the season.  The parties, the food, the candy, the decorations, the family traditions, the presents, the holiday songs … and the holiday vacation from school!  It all sounds great if you are a kid, but how and who makes all these things happen?  Now I know – it was our parents.  Now I know why they didn’t get so excited about the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas.”

I completely agree – the holidays do make for a lot of extra work.  But, at the same time, children love it.  So, as I continue to slog through the extra work that a celebration of Christmas brings, I am trying to remember that it’s for my children.  While the job of “making” Christmas falls mainly on my shoulders, it’s also a priviledge to be able to create a Christmas celebration for my family.

And, really, the kids don’t care if the house is clean or not.  When I think back to Christmases from my childhood, I have no idea what other things might have been less than perfect at that Christmastime.  It was about the songs! and lights! and presents! and family gatherings!  So, if I can get it together enough to provide those experiences for my girls, they will remember Christmases fondly, and all will be well in their worlds.

It’s not to say that “making” Christmas is never any fun for an adult — on the contrary!  Case in point: tomorrow a good friend is coming over and we’re having a Christmas Cookie Baking Morning.  Yum!  Plus, I do enjoy the smell of a fresh pine Christmas tree.  And the Christmas music that is playing more frequently in our house these days.  And the treats in the fridge.  And the yummy-smelling candles that I burn.  Yes, it is a mess getting ready for all of these things (right now a large corner of our living room is filled with the boxes of Christmas decorations that I brought downstairs at Lyd’s insistent request), but the end result is beautiful.

“Making” Christmas is a lot of work, but when you view the season through the eyes of your children, then it’s not so bad.  If everything’s not exactly perfect, the kids don’t care.  It’s the spirit of the holiday, the excitement, as well as the break from the usual — that’s what kids love the most.  Plus, kids play off the emotions of their parents, so if I’m excited, my kids will be excited, too, even if things aren’t exactly “perfect” from my adult perspective.

It will be a good, memorable Christmas.  I’m excited about it, and I’m looking forward to all the good times ahead!

affection overflowing

When Curious J was a baby, it seemed that she didn’t enjoy being cuddled.  She wasn’t snuggly the way her older sister had been, and I didn’t feel the same overflowing affection from her.  It bothered me a bit, but I consciously decided that no matter how much or how little I felt a return on my hugs and kisses from her, I was not going to back off on physically showing my affection for her.

So, she got hugged and kissed and snuggled as much as every baby should be, even though she didn’t often seem to appreciate it.  But now, months/years later, it seems that all of that continuous physical affection really did make a difference.

Not only does she now willingly give hugs and kisses to her family members (she often says, “Momma!  Kiss!  Hug!”), not only is she almost overly-affectionate to her friends (not every friend of hers, nor those friends’ mothers, want to be kissed on the lips!), but she also often gives hugs and kisses to her dolls and toys.

Two examples: J has been playing with two of her big sister’s plastic Disney Princess dolls (Sleeping Beauty and the Little Mermaid – both willingly given to J to play with by her big sister, since those two princesses hair easily falls off!)  When J and I left the house yesterday to go to her art class, I told J, “Say goodbye to your princesses.”  So, she ran into the toyroom, put her princesses on the chair, kissed and hugged each one, and then came running back to me. 

In another example, this morning I took a shower while J played in the bathroom.  She got some squirt toys out of the bath toy bag, including a yellow duck, a surfing hippo, a blue duck, and an elephant.  She lined them up neatly on the side of the tub, and left them there all day.  Tonight, as the girls were in the bathroom brushing their teeth, the toys were still lined up, so I told her to say goodnight to her toys.  So, to each one, she said, “Good night _____ (duck), kiss [followed by a kiss], hug [to which she always says, "Oooh" in a crooning voice].”  She did that routine with all four toys, as her father and I watched with adoring smiles on our faces.

I used to worry that J wasn’t affectionate and didn’t appreciate affection.  I’m glad I kept kissing and hugging her anyway, and it’s nice to see that affection apparent and overflowing onto the people and objects in her life.

anxiety update

I mentioned about a week ago that it seems my anxiety is creeping back.  It’s different now, however; it feels different in my body.  Before I took my prescribed homeopathic remedy a few months ago, my anxiety would usually start with a (more or less) bang.  Something would trigger it, and then I would feel anxious.

Now, I don’t seem to have a trigger.  I just … start to notice that I’m feeling anxious.  My anxiety isn’t at the same level from evening to evening, and it also lasts longer into the evening.  Plus, it feels more … detached from my body and emotions.  It’s oddly difficult to describe the difference, but I know that it IS markedly different than it was for those years and years.

I figure that this difference is a good sign.  The remedy shook things up quite a bit, and that’s a good thing.  I got another dose of my remedy in the mail today from my homeopath, and I’ll take it tomorrow.  Hopefully I won’t have another big Hahnemann’s reaction like I did last time, but even if I do, I know that the end result will be worth it.

It’s nice to feel like I’m finally on the right path to finding a truly effective way to manage (or even eliminate!) this purely physical anxiety without drugs.  I’m very grateful.

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(The other good effect of this remedy seems to be that my recurrent UTI’s are finally gone.  I haven’t noticed any problems at all with my bladder in the past two months, which is wonderful!  If this continues over the next few weeks, I plan to cancel my upcoming appointment with a urologist.  I don’t want to pay money for an appointment I don’t need anymore!)

singing herself and her big sister to sleep

My daughters have been sharing a room for a number of months now.  They both seem to really enjoy it, and I am very glad.  But one thing has happened that I didn’t expect, and it’s really surprised me.

Curious J does not fall asleep as quickly as Lyd does.  I don’t know if it’s the fact that Lyd is super tired out from her school days, or if it’s the fact that Curious J still takes afternoon naps most days and isn’t as sleepy at bedtime, but usually Lyd falls asleep long before J does.

However, J is not content to quietly lie in bed as she waits to fall asleep.  No, no.  Instead, she moves restlessly around in bed, talks to herself, and sings, which seems to be her favorite thing to do.  She mostly sings songs from our Music Together classes, but sometimes she makes up her own songs, too.

Yet, despite all of that noise, Lyd still falls right asleep.  J’s singing doesn’t keep her awake one bit.  I asked Lyd about it once, and she said that she sees J’s noise at night as a kind of lullaby.

I look at it as a good way for her to learn to sleep in all kinds of noisy circumstances.  I was the oldest, and the only girl, so I always had my own room.  Perhaps because of that, I cannot handle any kind of noise (except for white noise or ambient noise) while I sleep.  Some nights, this zero tolerance for noise is … a problem for me.

Meanwhile, J has been in bed for an hour, and she’s still making noise upstairs.  Calm, content, but a bit noisy.  Oh, well!

Now if I can just figure out how to wean her off of her pacifier at nighttime…

another reason to be thankful for kids

The holidays are often a bit bittersweet for me.  On one hand, I love our life in California and the friends we’ve made here.  But on the other hand, I miss being around family and friends in Wisconsin.  As holidays emphasize the theme of getting together with family, I tend to feel a bit lonely around these times.  It doesn’t help that holiday times are usually extra-busy for my pastor-husband (ie. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter), so it’s often just me and the girls, especially since most of our friends around here have family in the area with whom they spend their holidays.

But if I think about it a little more, I realize that life in California is all that my girls know.  JJ and I are their family.  I try to keep that in mind, and use that to create traditions that suit the four of us (or just us three girls, as the case may be).  For example, I’m not a “Black Friday” kind of shopper.  But today, the day after Black Friday while the sales were still going on, I braved the crowds and took the girls with me to our local mall while JJ was busy writing his sermon.  I had a list of a few things to keep an eye out for, but there was nothing that I had to buy.  Without any real shopping pressure, the girls and I ended up having a really enjoyable two hours at the mall.  Lyd and I showed Curious J what a Christmas tree is, as she had forgotten from last year, assisted by a huge, beautifully decorated tree in the center of the mall, as well as smaller trees scattered all over the mall and in the stores.  I even had some good shopping luck at Macy’s, finding a pair of much-needed knee-high black boots for me as well as matching Christmas dresses for the girls (these items were 50% off, and then 20% off of that).  All things considered, the girls behaved very well, even when we were stuck in a slow-moving checkout line.

This afternoon, Lyd and I looked through my Christmas cookie books and chose some that we’d like to make over the next few weeks.  For our first cookie, I mixed up a batch of Gingersnaps (molasses cookies), and after supper we rolled them out and then rolled them in red and green sprinkles.  We’ve also been getting into the Christmas mood at our house by playing Christmas music.  Lyd still wants to watch and listen to nothing but “The Sound of Music,” but she was mildly appeased when I put on the Julie Andrews CD “Greatest Christmas Songs,” one of my all-time favorite Christmas albums.

I get lonely when I think about family gatherings that I’m missing back in WI.  At the same time, I know that CA is all that my daughters know.  They don’t feel like they’re missing anything, and it’s up to me to make the holidays special for them.  This is my time to create traditions that will become our own family traditions, and from that perspective, living out here is very freeing.  We truly can do whatever we want without stepping on other family members’ toes.  But, I do wish there was some way to combine the best of WI with the best of CA, especially around holiday times.

(Sigh.)  I really do try to remember that it does no good to focus on what you can’t have; you have to make the best of what you do have.  And most of the time, I’m pretty good at that.  However, I felt a little lonely at the dinner table tonight, as JJ was absent, still off preparing for tomorrow’s service.  So, I looked at my two beautiful daughters, and told them, “I’m so glad you girls are in my life.  I would be so lonely without you here!”

My wise six-year old daughter responded, “Momma, it’s like our family is pieces of a puzzle.  You are a corner piece, and Daddy is a corner piece.”  [She paused and thought for a moment before continuing.]  “J and I are corner pieces, too.  We all belong together!”  And she got off her chair and gave me a hug.  Of course, J had to do whatever her big sister does, so she was quickly demanding a hug, too.  I got over my lonely mood pretty fast.

I have to admit that I was stunned at her wisdom and simplicity.  She had beautifully reminded me that as long as she and her little sister and her Momma and Daddy are in her world, she’s perfectly content.  We are her family; she doesn’t feel the lack of anything else.  From her perspective, our lives are perfectly complete.  She’s right; our lives are complete.  We are right where God wants us to be, right where God needs us to be.  And, we have each other.  Life is good.

My children are such blessings to myself and to JJ in so many, many ways.  I am incredibly thankful to God for my girls.

a quiet Thanksgiving

We have Thanksgiving worship on Wednesday evenings, so on Thanksgiving morning, we all slept in.  (Translation: JJ and I only got up when we were forced to by the toddler crying “Momma!  Momma!” from her crib, and the six year old climbing into bed between us and saying, “I’m hungry.”)  JJ made waffles, scrambled eggs, and sausages for breakfast while keeping tabs on the Packers/Lions football game.  Meanwhile I prepped the still-somewhat-frozen 21.5 pound turkey to go into the oven.  I figured that since it was still a bit frozen I had better put it in early to give it plenty of time to get done.  As it turned out, it must not have been as frozen as I had thought, because it was done by 2 pm!  We nibbled on it all afternoon.

After breakfast, we all lazed around, as JJ continued to excitedly watch the Packers win over the Lions.  I headed upstairs to take a shower, but remembered that I first had to clean it our, because it had gotten full of bits of broken tar pieces as well as other debris over the past three days thanks to the new roof that was put on.  I ended up also cleaning out the vent above the shower, as lots of debris was stuck in there, hanging precariously.  To do this job thoroughly took almost an hour, but it needed to be done, and once I got started, it was fairly easy to keep going.  I finally got my shower taken around 11:30 a.m.

After that, it was downstairs to decide what order to prepare the Thanksgiving dishes.  I did the sweet potato souffle first, then the cranberries, then peeled 5 pounds of potatoes and put them in water, and finally got the green beans ready.  Since it was just going to be the four of us and one other person, that’s all I made.  I don’t do stuffing, and I don’t do tons of sides (because I’m the only cook!)  However, we still had plenty of food.

The girls finally got dressed in mid-afternoon; Curious J didn’t get out of her pajamas until she woke up from her nap!  While she was napping, JJ took Lyd outside to ride their bikes in the parking lot, as it was a beautiful day.  When Curious J woke up, I dressed her and took her outside to join them.  JJ held her and rode around with her; apparently J was a little trepidatious at first, but then ended up really liking it.

Our one guest arrived around 5:00 with two homemade pies in hand, and I had everything just about ready.  Well, everything except for the sweet potatoes.  I make this dish practically every year, and I know that it takes longer to bake than the recipe says, but somehow I always forget how much longer it takes.  So, we started eating before the sweet potatoes were ready.  However, that was probably good because we might have filled up on those first before eating all the other stuff – it’s such a delicious dish!

Afterwards, stuffed and content, my parents called to wish us a happy Thanksgiving, and our guest called his family on his cell phone and chatted for a while.  After everyone got their calls finished, we ate pieces of pumpkin pie as well as pecan pie that our guest had made, and then we got the girls into their pajamas and settled them with blankets and pillows in front of the TV to watch (yet again) “The Sound of Music” at Lyd’s request.  While the girls did that, we grown-ups played the card game Guillotine, that was given to me by friends of ours.  They taught me the game when they visited us last summer, and I thought it was a hoot, so JJ and our guest familiarized themselves with the game while I was finishing supper.  Once we caught on to the strategy of the game, it became really fun.  By the third round, we were getting into the spirit of the game, and even getting a bit raucous.    It was fun, and I’m sure we’ll be playing it again in the future.

We took a break from the game to put the girls to bed around 9:30, and when we finally finished playing cards around 10:30, our guest kindly stuck around a little longer and dried dishes for me, as I hadn’t done them earlier.  That was much appreciated; it’s no fun to face a giant pile of dishes all by yourself.

It was a quiet Thanksgiving, but it was nice.  The food all turned out well, and it was fun to do something completely different, like play a game.  Of course, it would be nice to be around family on a holiday, but it’s also nice (especially for JJ) to have a truly relaxing day.  We definitely had that kind of a Thanksgiving.