transitions aren’t easy

I’m not sure how to start this post in an elegant way tonight, so I’ll just throw it out there bluntly.  There are a lot of transitions and changes happening in my life right now, and I’m having a difficult time with them.  In fact, tonight my anxiety level is pretty high again.  It scares me to feel like this, as it is reminiscent of how I felt two years ago when I was trying to get pregnant.  The food running right through me, the weight loss, the difficulty enjoying the now while my thoughts race into the improbable “what if’s,”  — I hope this is just a sign of all the transitions going on right now, and not a sign of some deeper imbalance in my life.

What are these anxiety-invoking transitions?  Well, for starters, we’re losing a lot of families from church, people that I was fairly close to.  Nobody is leaving for a negative reason, it’s just that people are moving on.  One of the people who has moved on is our principal, and now JJ is principal for our small school.  He’s not teaching anything, but he is principal.  And pastor.  And trying to finish his Master’s program.  And has a number of major Synodical responsibilities.  I think I am feeling the weight of all his responsibilities more than he is at the moment!  Plus Baby J is nursing a lot less frequently, and it’s really throwing me off.  Perhaps some of this feeling of anxiety is a result of hormones trying to balance themselves out.  But I’m not at all ready to wean her.  You’re supposed to nurse your baby for a minimum of 12 months, if not longer, and I am committed to making it to 12 months, but at this rate, I’m not sure if I’m going to make it.  That makes me feel incredibly sad and guilty.  Also I signed Baby J and I up for this 2-week Mommy and Me swim class starting tomorrow afternoon, and for some reason I am SO nervous about it!  I not sure if it’s the prospect of being in cold water on a potentially cold day (which I know I won’t be able to stand for long) or having to get dressed (and undressed) in a communal changing room or if it’s something else, but I’m just nervous about it, which logically I know is ridiculous.  Finally, an online debate with a dear friend has been very difficult for me, bothering me on so many levels: intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally.

Sigh.  I guess there’s always this fear that I’m going to end up like my mother and be on anti-depressants the rest of my life.  I’m not taking anything right now, and I SO SO SO don’t want to begin taking anything, but it’s always a fear.  JJ sat my crying self down on the couch tonight and reminded me how, for so many reasons, that fear isn’t rooted in reality.  But I am afraid I might psych myself into it becoming reality — and I don’t know how to stop from doing it!  I don’t know how to control my thoughts!  I don’t know how to control my racing mind, my racing pulse, or my churning innards!  I don’t know how to stop feeling like at any moment I could just break and shatter into a million pieces.

When I got depressed after my miscarriage, I started taking walks every morning, pushing Lyd in her stroller, walking up and down the hills of the neighborhood around my home.  I would like to start doing that again, but there are a number of things holding me back, most of them just physical obstacles that I simply have to make decisions about.  But exercise is clinically proven to boost serotonin levels, and to boost them more effectively than anti-depressants do.  I’ve been saying for a long time that I need to exercise, not so much for my physical health as for my mental health.  I hope I find a way to make that a reality this week.  I think if I can just get one successful walk in, thereby finding a way to make it work, that will make the second walk easier, and each succeeding walk easier after that.  Getting started is always the hardest thing, right?  My serotonin levels need a serious boost, and I’d like to accomplish that as naturally as possible.

The other coping mechanism I was using today is music.  Recently a dear friend asked me for recommendations of CDs containing good solid hymn singing.  Her email prompted me to look at my CDs and find some hymn CDs that I haven’t listened to in a while.  I pulled out the St. Olaf choir recordings of Great Hymns of Faith Volumes 1 & 2.  They’ve been wonderful to listen to, and they help to give my mind something to think about rather than just the useless hamster-wheel spinning of my thoughts.  I sing along in my head, and even sometimes out loud.  If you’re interested in seeing where you can find these online, here are two links:

http://online.nph.net/cgi-bin/site.pl?10406&sequence=0&categoryID=217&searchType=X

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_m?url=search-alias%3Dpopular&field-keywords=St.+Olaf+choir

Lyd is really enjoying listening to them as well, and I’m pleased to be contributing to her choral music education.  JJ and I have sung a few of these hymn arrangements ourselves during our years in Lutheran choirs, and it’s fun to hear those songs again.  It’s amazing how that music just comes back to you, even though you haven’t thought about it for years.

So, that’s where I am.  I’m considering seeing my acupuncturist again, just to get my innards straightened out and to perhaps take the edge off the anxiety as well.  I do NOT want to lose a whole bunch of weight again, especially since I gave all my “skinny” clothes away already!  If you would, say a prayer for me that I don’t end up where I was two years ago, and that I can stay grounded in the here and now, able to be thankful for the amazing blessings in my life, especially my husband and my two precious daughters.

9 months of Baby J love

Darling Baby J is nine months old today!  She’s well on her way to having spent more time out of my body than inside my body.  So what new tricks is Little Miss Big Eyes up to these days?  Let me tell you:

1. She is busy pulling herself up on things.  This just started within the past week.  Tonight I helped her stand up in her crib, and she surprised me by (slowly) cruising around the perimeter of the crib.  She even pulled herself up on the (out)side of the bathtub tonight.  Will she be walking before she’s a year old?  Stay tuned!
2. She is eating more these days.  She’s still nursing, although usually just when she wakes up from sleep, or when she is going down for sleep.  I’ve been loath to lessen the amount of time she spends nursing, but I’ve recently come to grips with the realization that she just needs more calories than what I can provide her with via breastmilk.  She definitely loves her baby food, although I’ve also been giving her more table foods when I can.  Tonight, while she still ate half a baby jar of vegetables mixed in with baby brown rice cereal, rather than giving her part of a baby jar of meat, I gave her the same salmon that the rest of us were having for supper.  She loved it!  She also thoroughly enjoyed the fresh blueberries that I brought home from the Farmer’s Market today.  The blueberries were a little smaller than usual this year, but they were just the right size for her, and she did a great job eating them.
3. She so desperately wants to keep up with her big sister.  She watches Lyd, more than she watches me, it seems, and I can tell that she SO wants to do whatever Lyd is doing.  I can’t nurse her when Lyd is in the room – she’s inevitably more engrossed in watching her big sister dance around then she is in eating.  And Lyd gets more laughs out of her than JJ and I combined!  It’s wonderful to see the love between the two girls already so deeply established.
4. She is fearless, or so it seems.  Lyd was a very placid, calm baby who I never worried about getting into things.  But little J?  Oh, I have to keep my eye on her!  She is a persistent one; if it doesn’t work the first time, she’s going to keep on trying until she can get whatever it is she wants.  Lyd was very different: She’d try it once, and if it didn’t work, she wouldn’t usually keep on trying.  And she’s still the same way now – it drives me nuts sometimes!  “Momma, it’s too hard.  I can’t do it.  Will you do it for me?”  Urgh.  But somehow, I don’t think I’m going to have that problem with this little girl!
5. She has finally established a regular napping schedule.  Praise the Lord!  I don’t know if it was the introduction of more solid foods that helped, or if it was just Her Time to adopt a napping schedule.  But, finally, I can plan my days a little more around when she’ll be sleeping.  (And, Lyd has even started napping again some afternoons, so somedays I have BOTH of them asleep at once!  It’s a little slice of heaven!)
6. Her eyes don’t seem to have found their final color yet.  I really thought she would have chocolate-brown eyes like her Daddy, but no one seems to be able to determine exactly what color they are.  There’s brown in her eyes, but you can’t call them brown eyes, as there’s also substantial hints of blue, green, and gray in her eyes.  I’ve asked a number of people to tell me what color they think her eyes are, and no one has given me the same answer.  I’m curious to see if this is their final color or not.  No one on either side of the family has eyes like this, so…  I can’t figure it out: JJ has brown eyes, I have blue eyes, Lyd has essentially green eyes (can’t figure out where those came from either), and now Baby J has undefinable eyes.  Whatever happened to the Mendellian laws?  Not that I mind or anything.  And she has other physical features that are exact copies of JJ and myself, so I know that genetics are at work to some degree!
7. She is a happy baby.  Oh, is she a happy one.  She has the cutest grin, and the cutest laugh.  With her little Pippy Longstocking curls sticking out above her ears, she can look like such a doll.  She certainly is, as my father proclaimed her, an “even-tempered baby.”  She doesn’t get upset too often.  Furthermore, she doesn’t seem to have separation anxiety like Lyd did.  However, she’s never been totally separated from people she knows.  Even when JJ and I are both gone, Lyd is still there.

It’s amazing to see her little personality, so different from her big sister’s, already emerging.  She brings so much joy to everyone in our family.  It’s odd to think back to where I was two years ago, trying desperately to get pregnant, wondering if it would ever happen for me, and now – well, this is a good place to be.  I wish I had been able to trust God better two years ago, trusting that everything really would turn out okay, even if it didn’t go exactly according to my plan.  I hope I can remember that lesson when similar tough times come up in the future.  God really does have everything under control, and everything really is not just GOING to be just fine, but already IS just fine.

—–

And, speaking of babies, if you want to see some hilarious baby pictures, check out this link: http://funnr.wordpress.com/2008/06/27/funny-baby-pictures/

happy baby sling

I spent much of today pondering and typing responses to comments on a previous post, Judgemental Mommy Moment.  I’ve used up most of my blogging time in that pursuit.  But, I did think of something fun to blog about today, something that is very California, since I’ve been dubbed a “California” type of parent (a moniker I wear with pride!):

This afternoon while making lunch for the family, Baby J was unusually fussy.  I didn’t feel right leaving her alone, watching me and wailing.  So, I brought out my trusty Slingling and put Baby J in that.  I even managed to shift her onto my back so that I could stir the kettles and continue preparing the meal without feeling like she could get burned by the stove.  She quieted down instantly, and I suspect she found her aerial view of what was going on quite stimulating.  It took me a little bit to get used to her weight on my back and to feel like she wouldn’t fall out, but once I got used to it, it was GREAT!  And, like I said, Baby J’s fussing stopped instantly. Score one for the baby sling!

One of the most useful places I’ve used my baby sling is going through security in the airport.  The sling is just a piece of fabric; there’s no metal at all.  So the last time Baby J flew with us, going through security was a breeze.  I remember traveling with Lyd when she was an infant, and carrying her in a Baby Bj0rn.  That thing was a royal pain in the patootie to unbuckle and try not to drop the baby at the same time.  Love my Slingling!

And, today, I had a good talk with my friend KT on the phone, and she has a Slingling that she just adores as well, for the same reasons as me!  It’s nice to have a friend who is doing some of the same things with her baby that I am.

Baby slings: a fantastic aspect of California parenting!

5 minutes in heaven and 5 seconds in hell

Earlier this week, a major study was released that shows that while 92% of Americans believe in God (whoever he, she or it may be), 70% of those people also believe that many religions can lead to eternal life, including 57% of evangelical Christians.

?????   Don’t these people know what their churches teach?  Did they miss John 3:16?  Did they forget “I am the Way and the Truth and the Life: No one comes to the Father except through me”?  Is it easier to believe that God is a slightly dopey Santa Claus rather than believe him the Creator of the universe, Savior of mankind and Lord of … everything?  Are we too worried about hurting someone else’s feelings to worry about them spending eternity in hell?  Have we become so focused on tolerance as a virtue that people don’t see distinctions between religions as important anymore?

JJ said something interesting regarding this topic.  He said, “If everyone had the chance to spend 5 minutes in heaven and 5 seconds in hell, we’d see a big turn-around in that statistic.”  When I ponder the fact that many of the people around me, including many people that I know and care about, are likely headed for hell, it literally puts the Fear of God into me, and makes me much more willing to talk about Jesus to the people in my life.  Does it really matter what they might think of me?  Not a bit.  Today is not forever, but eternity never ends.

The devil is alive and well in our world today.  Come quickly, Lord Jesus!

Judgemental Mommy Moment

Today marked Lyd’s sixth day of swimming lessons.  Every one of those six days I have observed another little girl, a little Asian girl about 18 months old.  This little girl has been almost literally dragged by her grandmother into the pool, while the little girl clings to grandma for dear life and has a look of pure fright in her eyes.  Mercilessly Persistently the grandmother continues to make this child spend time in the water.  This child obviously hates it.  A few of these previous six days, the girl’s (very posh) mother has come along with grandma and her daughter.  This mother will put on her (very posh) swimming suit and take her panicky daughter into the pool.  Same reaction as with grandma.  This girl is clearly not enjoying her introduction to the water.

But worst of all is after class.  The grandma insists that this little tyke should have her long (down to the middle of her back) hair washed in the shower after being in the pool.  The child may have been scared before, but she is utterly and completely terrified/panicked about being put under the shower.  And she screams.  Oh, does she scream.  And it is a scream that makes me want to run (fully clothed) into the communal, open shower, grab that poor girl out of her grandma’s seemingly-uncaring arms and say, “Stop this!  Don’t you see that you are traumatizing her?  What kind of a person are you?”  But so far, I have refrained from getting involved.

Until today.

Today Posh Mother went into the water with her daughter, and attempted to do the shower afterwards while her girl was kicking and screaming in terror in a way that was highly un-posh.  The mother didn’t seem to be quite sure how to handle this, seeming not to be as bound and determined as grandma to wash that child’s hair.  I happened to be walking past the showers with my girls at this moment.  My eyes happened to meet Posh Mother’s eyes, and I said in a way that I thought was sympathetic, “She really hates showers.”  The thought running through my mind was that Posh Mother hadn’t been around much to see how strongly anti-shower her daughter was, how absolutely terrified she was of the water, and perhaps if I told her how much her child hated the shower, she wouldn’t make her child go through it.

Totally interfering, I know.  Should I have said it?  Probably not.

But you see, I have a little daughter who only recently has decided that showers are okay as long as her hair is not being washed in the shower, because that is still Too Scary.  And my daughter is at least twice the age of this little girl.  I really felt for this little peanut of a girl, whose name I don’t even know, and I felt that Grandma and Posh Mother were pushing this girl needlessly to do something that she will learn to do in her own time.

Posh Mother responded quickly to my words, saying, “She has to learn sometime.”  She looked away from me, pushing her daughter into the shower, ignoring her shrieks that were her way of begging for mercy.  I turned away as well, taking my girls into the communal changing area, after asking my daughter if she wanted to rinse off in the shower, which she declined.  Every time Lyd gets out of the pool, I ask her if she wants to take a shower.  She always says No, and I don’t push it.  In my mind, in the end, it really doesn’t matter, and it’s not a battle worth fighting.  Yes, sometime, Lyd has to learn that it would be best if she at least rinsed the chlorine off her body when she gets out of the pool, but I just don’t think it’s worth it.  She will when she’s ready.

I wish, somehow, that I could lovingly and compassionately convey that same message to Posh Mother and grandma.  I almost feel like they are emotionally abusing this girl, and it is very upsetting to me to see this every afternoon after class.  As I helped Lyd dress, I pondered Posh Mom’s words: “She has to learn sometime.”  Yes, Posh Mom, she does, but that doesn’t mean she has to learn it like this.  There are other methods for learning to like water that don’t include dousing her in it whether she likes it or not.  That’s like being told to learn to like snakes by being thrown into a snakepit, in my humble opinion.

Today I registered Baby J and myself for the very same Aqua Tots class that this little girl is currently in.  Our two-week session begins next Monday; will this little girl be forced to endure another 8 episodes of forced time in the pool and forced showers?  I don’t know.  And if she is, will I be brave enough to reach out to them in love and attempt to forge a friendship WITHOUT being judgemental?  Or will I simply realize that I can’t solve the all world’s problems, put my energies into raising my own girls as compassionately and lovingly as I can, and hope that my example rubs off on some other parents?  (not that I’m perfect, but hopefully you know what I mean…)

I honestly don’t know which is the better answer, but I hope I can find a happy medium between the two.

(I want to add this: It wasn’t long, not even a full minute, after the girls and I got into the changing area that Posh Mother arrived with her little, shivering, drenched daughter in tow.  I think the shower idea was scrapped.  Was this due to my words?  I don’t know.  But it seems the little girl was granted a short shower today.  I am glad, for her sake.)

smoke gets in your eyes

Anyone out there remember that song?

That’s literally what we’re dealing with today in our neck of the woods.  I’m not sure where the smoke is all blowing down from, but it’s quite smoky outside today.  Here’s the weather forecast for our area for the next few days.  Notice the lovely “smoke” picture-icons.

This smoke is definitely upping my anxiety level regarding fires again, but it’s comforting to realize that there are no fires near me.  I wonder if all this smoke isn’t blowing down from 200-300 miles north of us, as the wind is blowing southerly today.  I found this article on msn.com that shows a picture of where all the fires are burning.  So…

I took a Bach Rescue Remedy pastille to calm down, and thankfully it did help my heartrate go back to normal.  I guess all there is to do is to just — carry on as usual.  And pray for an out-of-season rainfall, which I will be doing.  California is supposed to get another thunderstorm this weekend, but the rain probably will evaporate before it hits the ground.  However, with another lightning storm, more wildfires may be sparked.

I gotta remember: ”Fear not, for I am with you.  Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.” 

Pastor Strey’s Weblog

I knew it was just a matter of time …

Introducing: Pastor Strey’s Weblog.

If you’d like to peruse his sermons every week and read what this confessional, Lutheran, Bible-believing pastor of mine preaches from his pulpit every week, now you can.

(I added it as a link on my sidebar blogroll widget, so that you can visit him on a regular basis.)

Hello, anxiety. Why are you here?

Seems like my old companion is back for a visit.  Hope it doesn’t stay too long.

I had a very anxiety-filled night last night.  Kept having to go to the bathroom, couldn’t sleep, heart pounding/racing, scary thoughts that won’t listen to reason and won’t slow down.  In desperation, I took one of my Valerian herbal pills, which did help me calm down, but weren’t quite enough to relax me enough so I could sleep.  Last night I also learned that taking Valerian while breastfeeding is not the best idea, as it relaxed me to the point where it made my breastmilk almost impossible to let-down.  But, thankfully, Julia managed to pull it off when she woke at 1:30 to be fed, although it took at least 3 times as long as usual.  I was grateful to have her wake up so “early,” because I was really full since I hadn’t been able to pump.  God bless nursing, and God bless oxytocin.  That nursing session, with its accompanying oxytocin surge, combined with the fact that it was almost 2am, allowed me to finally fall asleep.

Lessons learned from Anxiety’s Reappearance in My Life:

1. I need more sleep.
2. I need to go to bed earlier. (Is there an echo in here?)
3. I need to start my bedtime routine earlier.
4. I need to exercise.
5. I am still strong, and I will get through this, too.
6. Thank God for nursing, and the accompanying good hormones.  Thank you, God.  Thank you.  That wondrous oxytocin really blunted the anxiety today.
7. I am re-asserting my commitment to going to bed in a timely manner every night.

I pray that I can sleep tonight.  I’m exhausted, but still feeling a bit – edgy.  One of my personal fears about an anxiety attack like the one I had last night is the fear that it will happen again, and that I’ll not be able to sleep for a second night in a row.  Valerian is out for me now, so I’m just going to have to do this the old fashioned way — lying there until I fall asleep.

Good night.

—-

Edited to add: I got my light turned out by 10:20 pm last night, and praise the Lord, I was asleep within minutes.  And, get this, I slept until 6:44 am!!!  That’s over 8 hours, people!  (Way to go, Baby J!)  Do you know the last time I’ve slept 8 hours straight???  Well, neither do I!  It’s been at least over a year, probably longer!  I feel SO much better this morning.  Not totally anxiety-free, but definitely a lot better.  I’m just so tickled about 8 hours of sleep.  And, get this too — I even “exercised” this morning!  The recycling needed to be taken out, so I got my blood pumping hauling our bins way down to the road.  It’s a lovely hazy morning, and I feel pretty darn good.  Hope YOU have a great day, too!

PS.  I wish everyone’s anxiety issues were as easy to positively effect as mine.  I know that not everyone’s anxiety responds to sleep and exercise like mine do, so if you’re one of those people who struggle with anxiety on a daily basis, don’t think that I’m blithely saying that if you just sleep and exercise, you’ll be just fine.  I know that while sleep and exercise are always helpful, those two things aren’t the magic solution for everyone.

fire break

I think I need to stop watching the news.

I’ve gotten into the habit on watching the evening local news and the national news.  However, it has been pretty much nothing but bad news lately: floods, fires, famines, droughts, rising prices on oil, food, and everything else.  The presidential race has two candidates, neither of whom I’m very excited about.  And all the wildfires around the state of California have started to make me nervous.  It’s by far the worst fire season I’ve ever seen, and apparently it’s the worst fire season most Californians have seen: Gov. Schwartzenegger just recently called out the National Guard to assist the stretched-thin firefighters, who have been working non-stop on various fires for almost a month already, with more fires seeming to start all the time.

A few nights ago on the phone as I talked about the CA fire situation to my father, he asked me, “What will you do if a fire comes close to you guys and you have to evacuate?”  I didn’t know how to answer, although the obvious answer is, We’d evactuate, of course.  In all honesty, it is highly unlikely that a wildfire will affect us personally.  Despite the fact that we live on an almost 2-acre property, filled with overgrowth (the kind of stuff that would burn fairly fast), we also live in the midst of a residential area.  These wildfires happen out in the “country”, places where there are large areas of dry brush, wooded areas, not heavily built-up areas.  However, a sizeable number of people do live up in the mountains, and when wildfires come, it is those homes that are affected.  So it isn’t likely that we would have a fire here.  Except…

We also live close to a canyon, a wooded canyon.  If something were to happen and that canyon would start on fire, that fire could come dangerously close to our property.  That’s a little scary, even though that canyon isn’t horribly dry, so it’s not too likely (I think).  But last night, the possibility of that was driven home to me a little more since a fire started on the mountain of a neighboring community, Brisbane.  It’s close to the SF Airport.  When I saw the “Breaking News” report last night, the fire was completely out of control, and homes on streets close to the fire had been evacuated.  Somehow, THAT fire, so close to where I live (Brisbane is probably about 15 or so miles away), and close to the homes of some friends, really affected me.

However, there still is NOTHING I can do about these fires.  I didn’t start them, and I can’t fight them.  So, I think I need to take a break from watching the news.  It’s just too overwhelming, and it’s really starting to affect me emotionally.  Gas prices will continue to go up (along with the price of almost everything else), and I’ll just have to get by, like everyone else.  And if a fire DOES come close and we have to evacuate, the firefighters will knock on our door and tell us to leave – I won’t learn those evacuation orders from the TV anyway.  I have started thinking about what important stuff I would grab in the 5 minutes or so that we’d have to load up the car.  Hopefully I’ll never have to do it, but it doesn’t hurt to be prepared.

And I thought the big disaster we’d have to deal with in California would be an earthquake!  I guess I have to accept that there are a lot of things in life out of my control, and be thankful that God’s in control.

summer solstice party!

Tonight we attended a block party, of sorts. Our neighbors across the street invited everyone to their home for a Summer Solstice Party. They are a lovely retired couple with two grown daughters and two yappy Scottish terriers. Everyone was asked to bring something to drink and something to pass. Since the lemon tree of a certain family in our church is still overflowing with lemons, we were able to get another grocery bag full of fresh lemons, thereby enabling me to make another round of lemonade and Giant Lemon Sugar Cookies, same as I did last week. Both items went over well at the party.  It was nice to meet some of the other families of the neighborhood, although to be quite honest, few of the actual families were there. Most of the people in attendance were retired couples. But there were a few younger ones, although JJ and I and the girls definitely were the youngest. It was enjoyable to meet the different people, and I think it was good to be the face of our church. Everyone knows our church is on their street, but people aren’t willing to come up and knock on our door and ask us what we’re all about. I also think that showing up with two young children makes JJ and I more approachable, too. We had a good time.

It is HOT! Even our evening party tonight was hot. There were high temperature records smashed all over the Bay Area today. San Francisco was up in the high 90’s. San Francisco!! The city of fog!! Our lovely burg where we live hit at least 95 degrees, I’m sure. Even the downstairs of our house, which practically ALWAYS stays cool, is on the warm side. I was glad to go for a late-night grocery store run (at 10:30 pm) just to be able to put on the a/c in the car. The girls are already asleep downstairs in the toy room where it’s cooler, and I’ll be joining them shortly. The upstairs is an absolute sauna, in my opinion, although of the three bedrooms, our master bedroom is the coolest. By morning, it should be quite comfortable up there, but I’m glad to sleep downstairs. The girls got to bed really late tonight due to the party, so I’m hopeful that Baby J might even make it through the whole night without waking up, especially considering that last night she didn’t wake up until 5:30 a.m. Fingers crossed…

Edited the next morning to add: Yeah, that didn’t happen.  But, still, it wasn’t too bad of a night, all things considered.  Time to get ready for another hot day…