a success, a concession, and a plan of attack

This morning, Lyd’s first words upon emerging from her room were, “I don’t want to take swimming class with the boy teacher.”

Okay, then…

So this morning was Lyd’s and my complimentary dentisit visit with one of the moms from my music class who is a dentist.  When I mentioned to Lyd at breakfast that we were going to the dentist, she predictably said that she didn’t want to go.  JJ and I had a short discussion in another room about whether we would make her do this or not.  We decided that since this was a medical thing (and we had some concerns about her teeth), that we would make her do this.  So, I played it up as much as possible, telling Lyd, “There will be toys there!  And you’ll get a special treat when you’re all done!”  She still wasn’t excited about it, but the lure of treats intrigued her, and at least she didn’t melt down completely like she did when she saw The Boy Teacher in swimming class.  En route there, I pleased her further by taking the freeway that goes through a short tunnel which she loves, and that helped put her in even more of a pleasant mood.  Best of all, once we got there, we found that they had Digital TV, which meant she could watch her favorite PBS Kids shows in the dentist’s chair!  SCORE!!!  Honestly, THAT made the difference.  My child loves her morning Super Why and Dragontales – what can I say?  I got my teeth cleaned while she sat next to me with her eyes glued on the TV, and then Lyd laid on my lap while the dentist “counted” her teeth, still watching her TV.  Much to my surprise and great relief, Lyd was fantastic.  The dentist said that she was even able to clean her teeth a bit.  Lyd does have a very small cavity, but we’re not going to do anything about it right now, except be extra-vigilant about brushing.  But WE CONQUERED A FEAR!!!!  HALLELUJAH!!!!

We came home to find my neighbor and her daughter playing on the playground, the daughter of which is Lyd’s best friend.  So, she was overjoyed.  Plus, her other best friend, whose mother is our church secretary, was there, too, so Lyd had her two best friends to play with.  She was in heaven!

With all the activity and excitement going on, my anxiety level was pretty low, for which I was thankful.  I gathered my courage and made a phone call to the Park & Rec to talk (and nicely complain again) about the swimming classes.  Long story short, I DID complain nicely, but was essentially nicely told “too bad for you.”  I was able to withdraw Lyd and Baby J from their respective classes and get my most of my money back, which I was pleased about.  So, swimming classes are done for us for the summer.  This is too bad, really, because right now as I type this is the time we should be at class, and it is just gorgeous swimming weather outside.  But, Lyd is very visibly relieved about not having to go to swim class with The Boy Teacher, so I think it’s all worth it.  All the people I talked to in the last 24 hours about this situation have said that I shouldn’t force her to go take the class, because there’s a decent chance that this fear could turn into a fear of the water.  So, I’ll just have to try to find some times to take her into the pool on my own.  In fact, tomorrow afternoon we’re invited to a pool party, so that should be fun.  Lyd has already said that if JJ or I are in the pool with her, she will put her head under the water.  So, I think we’ll just teach her swimming on our own.

Overall, my anxiety has been a lot better today as I was quite busy, but my worst times are always around the supper hour and into the evening, so we’ll see what the rest of the day has in store.  I’m not sure what to do as far as treatment goes; I guess I’m just hoping this subsides on its own.  However, not one to just sit on my tush and wait for things to happen, I formulated a plan today, and here’s what I’m going to try to do to deal with this anxiety:

1. I’m really going to make an effort to nurse Baby J more frequently.  Not only will that be good for Baby J, it will (hopefully) help out my hormones immensely.  I’m going to be consistent about nursing her in our quiet chair up in her nursery, keeping the room darkened and quiet.  I’m also going to try to pump twice during the day, and I’m going to drink up all the Mother’s Milk Tea that’s sitting in my cupboard.  What better time than now to use that tea to boost my milk supply – that’s what it’s for!
2. I’m going to take advantage of this free homeopathic consulation that a friend of mine won and then gave to me.  A friend I talked to on the phone last night thought that homeopathy might really help me, so I’m going to give it a try.  Hey, it’s free!
3. I’m going to continue with my plan of going for a walk every morning.  It’s supposed to be a natural serotonin boost.
4. I’m going to continue going to bed early.  You may have remembered me talking in the past about how I hate going to bed, but somehow this anxiety business has kicked that in the butt.  The harsh and judgemental side of me tells me that I deserve this anxiety and brought it on myself by my long-standing avoidance of sleep.  When I’m being kinder to myself, I say that while that may be partially true, there’s no way that’s totally true.  Baby J’s nursing has really changed dramatically, and I have super-sensitive hormones.  But that said, it won’t hurt anything to get more sleep.  Lately it’s been hard for me to fall asleep when I go to bed, but like my father said when I was a little girl and complained about how I wasn’t falling asleep, “If you can’t sleep, at least rest.”
5. I’m going to try to eat more protein and drink more water.  My friend, who was my doula with Baby J’s birth, said that the basic recommendations for avoiding or dealing with post-partum depression are: 1) lots of sunshine 2) walks outside 3) lots of protein 4) as much sleep as you can get.  So, we’ll give those a shot.
6. There’s one more thing that I’m going to do which I’m not going to name.  Those of you mothers with multiple children might have a guess as to what it is.

Well, time to embark on the Emily Witching Hour(s).  Here’s hoping that I don’t have another evening meltdown!

limping along

Last night, after writing my blog post, doing my few dishes, and heading off to bed, I read a little bit in the book “The Nursing Mother’s Guide to Weaning.”  I read about how depression and anxiety can happen while weaning, especially sudden weaning, as hormones shift and rebalance.  I’m not weaning Baby J, but her nursing has cut back so much recently that as far as my body is concerned, it probably seems like I am weaning.  That was good to read, and made me feel a little better.  Wish I could have dropped off to sleep right away, but anxiety is a KILLER of sleep.  I was just about to drop off at 12:30am when, you guessed it, Baby J woke up.  Sigh.  But I did manage to fall asleep afterwards, thank you God.

This morning, after breakfast, I decided I was Going To Go For A Walk.  I put the baby down for her morning nap, put on comfortable clothes, left Lyd happily in front of the boob tube, watching her morning dose of PBS Kids, and JJ ensconsed in front of his laptop, practically drooling with excitement over the fact that Issues, Etc. was going to be back on the air in a few hours.  (Feel free to read more about that over on his blog.)  I ventured out … alone.

I started off wearing my hooded sweatshirt over my T-shirt, but as the minutes wore on and as I briskly stepped up and down the hills in our neighborhood, I tied the sweatshirt around my waist.  It was foggy and overcast when I left the house at 9:45am, but as I walked along the fog burned off.  Blue skies revealed themselves, something we haven’t seen in a while what with all the smoke in the air from the California wildfires.  There was not even a hint of smoke in the air this morning however — what a relief!  So not only did I get a good shot of serotonin to the brain, I got to soak up some Vitamin D as well.  I felt a lot better when I got home at 10:30 after my walk.  The problems aren’t obviously gone, but I felt better.

I got home and called my good friend, J, who like me, has a baby girl and has dealt with anxiety issues in the past.  I asked her, “Did your anxiety get worse after you stopped nursing the baby?”  She said “Absolutely yes.”  Like I said earlier, I haven’t stopped nursing Baby J, but she’s nursing so much less over the past two weeks or so.  What a relief to hear!  At least I’m not crazy.  I’ve always knows that my hormones are super-sensitive, and apparently this is just one more indication of that.

I felt reasonably good for most of the day.  It helped that the latest issue of Mothering magazine arrived and had some interesting articles.

In the later afternoon was the swimming class that I had been feeling so nervous about.  Turns out, I was nervous about the wrong thing.  Swimming with Baby J went just fine; she loved it, just like I knew she would.  However, Lyd had a new teacher for her class, a BOY teacher, and oh was she distraught.  Even before we started swimming lessons two weeks ago, her biggest fear (I have NO idea why!) was that she would have a boy teacher.  So, when she saw her beloved Teacher Jenna doing lifeguard duty, and a boy teacher in the pool with her classmates, she flipped out, wouldn’t go anywhere near the pool, and sobbed uncontrollably.  I talked to the head gal and asked (very nicely) why the switch; she explained that they have to rotate people around.  I said that I teach classes for little children, and I know that it is very hard on little kids to switch teachers mid-stream (which is absolutely true).  So perhaps next time they might want to take that into consideration when they do the necessary teacher rotations.  I was very nice about it, although I did say that I was disappointed to see a different teacher.  Anyway, what’s done is done.  So now poor Lyd, after practically counting down the hours until swimming class all day, is sitting on her towel by the side of the pool, sobbing pitifully.  I asked her if it was okay if Baby J and I took our swimming class, and she said Yes.  But there was no way she was going near her pool.

I was pretty shook up, and not sure where to go from here.  After talking to some other people, I decided to make as little deal about this as possible.  I am going to see if I can get my money back on the classes.  If I can, I’m just going to withdraw.  It’s not worth running the risk of making her scared of the water, and frankly, if I take her to the pool myself, I can accomplish the same thing as a swimming class.  If I can’t withdraw, then she can just sit on the side of the pool during class in her swimming suit, and watch her classmates have class.  It’s not punitive, I’m not punishing her, it’s just he logical consequences of her actions.  I’ll see if I can create some kind of talisman that I can give her to wear that would remind her to be brave.  We’ve done that with other situations before, and it helps.  The other night Lyd really wanted someone to sleep with her, so I took one of her lesser-used teddy bears, “poured all my love and hugs and kisses onto it” as it were, and gave it to Lyd to sleep with.  She clutched that teddy bear tightly, and was okay to sleep alone after that.  Perhaps I can find a similar talisman that I can do the same with and that she can take into the pool with her.

But for now, I have to post this and get going.  Lyd and I have a free dentist visit today; one of the moms in my music class last session was a dentist, and offered Lyd and me a free checkup and cleaning.  But, sigh, Lyd is terrified about having the dentist “count her teeth.”  What’s with my child and her fears?  I just work through them when I have to and avoid them when I don’t, knowing that she’ll grow out of them sooner or later.  Wish me luck…