oh, the clutter

I’ve been rather frustrated with my life lately.  Not horribly so, not depressed or anything, and not anxious beyond the usual physical stuff that I know how to deal with and reduce (ie. take my vitamins every day, drink enough water, get enough sleep).  But there’s a LOT that isn’t getting done around our home.  Oh, sure, the basics are getting done: meals are made (and the majority of the time they’re pretty healthy) and meals are cleaned up afterwards (sooner or later!), laundry is getting done and getting folded (sooner or later), naps are taken by little people, baths are taken, stories are read, and there is laughter and music in our home.  Plus, bills get paid on time, and we are blessed to have enough money for the things we need, as well as a few things we want.  Best of all, our children are happy, healthy, growing, and our home is filled with love.

All in all, I can’t complain.  And, most of the time, I don’t.  I know that there is much to rejoice in, admire, and perhaps even envy, about our home.

But there is one big problem in our home.  It’s a problem that JJ and I have dealt with separately as we were growing up (as those of you who roomed with me in college can attest to), one that followed us into our marriage, and one that has exponentially grown with the arrival of children.  That problem is CLUTTER.

Oh, the clutter.

Sigh.

I strongly suspect this clutter problem is related to JJ’s and my perfectionism.  If we can’t do some thing just right, just the way we want to, then we won’t do that thing at all.  Add to the mix two growing girls, a husband who wears about 5 different hats in his job AND who has no office to work in (grrr…) so who ends up having to work on the dining room table (we’re going on a year of that, people), and a mother tired out from an energetic baby (who only wakes up once a night now! Yay! But, darn, who still wakes up once a night. Sigh.), and who also works ten hours a week, and … well, the clutter is growing.

Yes, the basics are getting done.  But a lot of projects that also need to be done sooner or later are NOT getting done.  And, for better or worse, I am having a very, very difficult time getting motivated to do said projects.  It doesn’t help that Curious J only takes one nap a day for no more than an hour and a half, and the rest of the day when she’s awake, I don’t feel like I can really start a project because I know I’m going to be interrupted by the baby.  Neither JJ nor I deal with interruptions well.  These days, when JJ really needs to work, he drives down to our local library where no one bothers him.  I really long for something similar myself.  I wish I could have someone take the girls away for 3-4 hours so that I could really focus.  And, with a time limit like that, my slightly ADD mind would probably stay focused, because The Clock Would Be Ticking.  I need limits and deadlines to really get things done, and I’ve stopped fighting that side of my personality anymore or feeling guilty about it.  It is what it is, and I work with it and work around it as best as I can.

I’ve also learned that I really thrive being around other people.  I am much more effective at getting things done when I’m not alone.  This doesn’t mean that I necessarily need to WORK with other people, but I need to be around other people.  I feed off their energy.  Just like JJ heading off to the library to work, I remember in college when I really needed to get something done, I headed off to the library, too.  I would head up to one of those study corrals in the back.  There would usually be a few other people around to chat with and say Hi to initially, but then I could work and focus and get things done.  It’s just really hard for me, when I’m on my own, to motivate myself to start something Big.  I’d much rather be on the computer, which is my weekday way of connecting with other people, something I crave.

Anyway.

I don’t want to just whine and make excuses for myself, but I’m just finding it really hard to get things done.  And now, it’s at the point where I barely know even where to start.  I’m overwhelmed.

But it’s becoming more and more important to me (and to JJ) that at least some progress be made on all of these projects.  Last summer, he got his first Call, and while the intimidating prospect of packing up our house was NOT the reason he declined the Call, it was something that when we considered all that would be involved in a move, we WERE terrified.  We suspect that there will be more Calls coming down the line.  JJ has asked not to be put on a Call list again until next July, by which time he will have finished his Master’s Degree.  And so, when that next Call comes, we would like to be in a position where packing up the house doesn’t fill us with mortal dread.  Or, more specifically, fill ME with mortal dread, as I would be the one doing the bulk of the work (I’m not being snarky, just realistic.)  And, if a Call doesn’t come, or if the Call isn’t one that he accepts, it would still be nice to live in a house with less clutter!

I still really don’t know where to start.  Although today, I need to fold laundry and clean bathrooms, so no big projects today.  My mother’s helper hasn’t been able to come for at least a month, either.  After Thanksgiving, I’ll call her again.

Oh, and that — Thanksgiving.  Holidays are coming!  Ack!  Although, I’ve already decided that we’re not decorating the house nearly as much as we did last year, simply because Curious J will get into everything.  So, there’s less work there.  And, we’re not going anyplace for either holiday, so I don’t have to spend time packing and traveling.  My brother might be coming in mid-December for a visit, but nothing is finalized, and if he does come, he would be the only company that we would have at the holidays, so it’s not like I have to feed and house a whole bunch of people.  I don’t even know what we’re going to do for Thanksgiving or Christmas yet in the way of celebrations.  Whatever it is, it seems likely that it will be quiet.

But, you know what my biggest motivating factor is?  I would like there to be less clutter in the house for my girls’ sake.  I know I’ll never have one of those spotlessly clean homes or truly clutter-free homes.  I don’t hold that expectation up for myself.  But, I would like to have a little better handle on things.  I know that if I can start, can REALLY start and get into a project and focus fully on it, I can work pretty quickly.  I am an industrious girl, after all.

I guess I’ll just have to keep plugging along, doing the best I can, and knowing that God still loves me, my husband still loves me, and my children still love me.  And I need to be kind to myself.  There are many things that I am doing right, and in the long run, it really could be worse.  A little clutter and unfinished projects are not the end of the world.

But I’m still going to try to make my home a little better.