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I love blogging, perhaps more than I should. But I really do enjoy it, and I get a lot of satisfaction out of planning posts and writing them out.
Sometimes I wonder why this is so important to me. What drives me to spend time during my day, when I theoretically could be doing something more “useful,” writing out my thoughts like this?
Part of it is simple: I like keeping a sort of diary. It’s fun to write about events and one’s thoughts on those events, and then read back on them later and re-live those events.
I also use blogging to keep track of my daughters’ growth. I don’t do baby books like I should could, so blogging is my way to record their milestones.
A big reason why I have come to love blogging is that it makes me focus (most of the time) on finding the positives in my life, even when my life doesn’t go the way I had expected. No one wants to read a blog where the writer is whining all the time. Instead, I believe that people will return to and be followers of a blog where they can relate to the events the writer shares, while appreciating her perspective on situations. I’m not perfect, far from it. I don’t have all the answers. But I like to think that my imperfections, my “not finished yet”-ness, and my honest struggles strike an chord with my readers. Furthermore, the fact that after 14 months of blogging, I have a number of loyal readers (hello to you all!) has instilled in me a sense of dedication to those who choose to read my blog on a regular basis, as well as a desire to continue to provide quality content that will keep those readers coming back.
But there’s one more important reason I blog. I blog for my girls. I wrote about this once before, and my reasoning still holds true. Life can change in an instant. I fully intend to live to a ripe old age and see my children’s children. But that may not be what God has in store for me. No, nothing is wrong with me (except that I have another bladder infection – Grr! But that’s another post), but as a 32 year old wife and mother and woman, I realize that life is fragile. I love my girls with all my heart, and if God chooses to take me home early, I want them to know who their mother was. I want them to see that I wasn’t perfect, that I struggled, but also that I was happy, I laughed, I loved my daughters tremendously, and I trusted in God with my whole heart. So, I see my blog as a kind of insurance policy, a way to make sure I’m not forgotten or misunderstood by my daughters if the unthinkable happens.
(I recently found this blog by a woman who is actually in that tragic situation. She has two young children and she’s dying of cancer. If I think that I choose my blog subjects carefully, that’s nothing compared to her situation.)
I love blogging. I truly do. And this month, to my great delight, I had the most hits ever, getting over 1300 hits in June! I am very excited about that. (To be fair, I’ve been getting a number of hits via my post Ten Things To Do on a Hot Day, but even without those hits, it still would have been a very good month.) It’s been exciting to watch my stats climb, and it’s inspired me to focus even more on being a quality blogger.
But, I’m tired. I’m really, really tired. My body is giving me signs that if I don’t start getting some more quality and quantity of sleep soon, I’m going to have real problems. I would love to have another baby, but I’m simply too tired right now. Plus, I would like to try to re-discover what the pre-internet Emily was like. (The pre-internet Emily didn’t have kids, however, so I don’t know if she’ll ever truly be found again! 
) I have a reason to try to crochet an afghan again. I used to love to watch old movies; maybe I’ll start up my Netflix subscription again. And, there’s a peacefulness in turning off the computer in the evening and not feeling the pull to do anything more.
So, I’m going to try to blog just a little less. My thought right now is to aim for five days a week. But a little bit of a break probably would be helpful for me, physically and emotionally. I won’t give up blogging all together; I love it too much. But perhaps moderating it a bit – that I could do. It might be nice, actually.
But don’t worry, regular readers. I’ll still be here.
I read this post over at Molly’s blog “Adventures in Mercy,” and thanks to her review, I now definitely want to read the Christian parenting book Loving Our Kids on Purpose by Danny Silk from which these quotations were taken:
The false belief that you not only can, but are responsible to, control your children contributes to elevating the inferior priority of obedience and compliance in the home. The danger is that it not only leads to disrespectful interactions, but it also blinds you to what is really going on inside your child, especially if your child is compliant. It’s easy to mistake obedience for a good relationship. As long as the child is doing what you say, your relationship is fine. The moment obedience is threatened, the relationship is threatened. Therefore, in order for your children to be around you, they must become you.”
“In summary, limiting the freedom of our children in order to teach them external controls, smallness, constraints, and fear of punishment is not a strategy that works in the long run. Instead, we must teach our kids what freedom looks like, feels like, and how to prosper in it. This is the model of Heaven. This is what our Father in Heaven is doing.
The best way to prepare our children to handle the multitiude of options they will have as children of the King of Kings is to invest in developing a heart-to-heart connection. This connection replaces the disrespect factory and introduces the honor factory. The practice of honor will revolutionize the family system, because honor brings power to relationships and the individuals in those relationships. Honor is the antidote…
One of the primary ways we show honor to one another is by sharing power and control in our relationships. When we help our children practice power from the time they are little, they become powerful people who are not afraid of the forces outside of them. They learn to think and solve problems. They learn to draw on the power within them, the power of the Holy Spirit, to direct their lives toward their goals in life. They become skilled at wielding decisions…
…Therefore we introduce freedom to our small children, and we allow them to practice messing it up while they have a safety net in our home. We create a safe place for them to fail and learn about life…”
Doesn’t that sound interesting???
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Another book that has intrigued me is A Sane Woman’s Guide to Raising a Large Family by Mary Ostyn, who blogs at Owlhaven. This review by Carrien at She Laughs at the Days made me think that this book might be interesting, even though my family would not qualify as “large.”
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Finally, I recently got linked to here in regards to my “Why I am Not a Proverbs 31 Woman” post. It’s flattering to be thought of well by people I’ve never even met.
When Lyd was small, JJ took great pleasure and pride in teaching her the NFL’s referee signals. Lyd was about two years old when she could accurately say and give the signs for touchdown, first down, time out, time in, holding, pass interference, intentional grounding, safety, delay of game, and unsportsmanlike conduct, just to name a few.
One of the funniest moments from when Lyd was small occured when she rightly corrected her father in his NFL referee signals. JJ and I almost fell off our chairs laughing when we realized that JJ had unintentially goofed up, and Lyd she was right!
After the amazing sucess with his first daughter, JJ is attempting to teach Curious J the NFL referee signals as well. Not surprisingly, she is catching on well. She still doesn’t talk well yet, but her hand signs are majorly cute. She can’t do certain signs well, like holding or pass interference, but it is adorable to watch her try to do them. She is learning, getting better every time, and it makes our whole family (Curious J included) laugh as she attempts to make these signs.
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Miss Lyd is really growing up. Not only is she stretching out and growing taller every day (people have a hard time believing that she’s only five and a half years old), she is emotionally growing as well. Since little Curious J wants so much to emulate her big sister, often causing problems when Lyd wants to do her own thing, I often say to Lyd, “Find a way to play with your sister.” Sometimes she can’t find a way, and I have to help the girls navigate their growing friendship. But I see it happening more and more that Lyd is finding a way to play with her sister. Sometimes it’s not my preferred way of playing (ie. too noisy, too messy, too slightly dangerous, too silly), but I try to get involved as minimally as possible when I see that they are actually playing together.
This afternoon I set up our small inflatable pool, and the girls were enjoying both the pool and the sandbox. (Yes, I had to hose the girls down at the end of the day. I decided it was like we were camping – at home!) I had given them the “Just a few more minutes and then it’s time to come inside!” announcement, and I was all ready to begin the clean-up. But then, I saw them playing together so nicely, although not in a way I would have chosen. Lyd had moved all the toys out of the sandbox, had put the end of our small, two-step slide in the sandbox, and the girls were taking turns sliding into the sandbox. Lyd was even “catching” J as she slid down. They were laughing and having such a good time together, that I couldn’t bear to bring their time to a close. So, I ended up allowing them another 15-20 minutes to play together. It was so relaxing just to listen to their chatter and giggles.
But all good things must come to an end, so eventually I did end the fun, clean them up, and plop them in front of a Baby Einstein video with a snack and a drink while I made supper. Yes, I took them from their creative, outdoor play and made them watch the tube. But it was 5:30 and their first TV all day, so I felt pretty good about that. Plus, it was a nice way for them to wind down after all their craziness outside.
And they did sit together on the couch with their snacks.
Yeah, I know that’s the tagline in my blog: “doing my best not to overthink…” Some days I do better than others. But today, actually pretty much this whole week, was a giant FAIL in the overthinking department.
Overthinking is exhausting. I am SO tired. But you do realize, don’t you, that I didn’t get to sleep through the night for 15 months straight when Curious J was a baby? And lately, for some reason (probably the fact that she’s being put to bed later since it’s summertime), she’s not sleeping as well and is waking me up in the morning earlier than I would like to be awakened? That’s a lot of lost sleep. And when you’re overthinking, you’re more prone to get anxious, and when you’re anxious, it’s harder to sleep and sleep deeply, so it’s a giant downward spiral.
And, of course, there is the “the kids are finally in bed so it’s now MY TIME and why waste MY TIME by going to bed” syndrome. Gah. There’s just no way around that one. And JJ’s up even later than me every night, so it’s not like I’m staying up while the entire rest of the household is in bed.
Does anyone out there want to be my sleep buddy? Not actually to share a bed with (har har, you wish!) but to be my partner in holding each other accountable for achieving a reasonable bedtime? I mean, seriously, Sarah, Sara, Ruth, how do you do it? How are you still sane? How do you get so much done with all your kids and still find time to sleep? (Well, I know part of the answer – you stay off the computer!)
It doesn’t help that this week I started taking herbs from my acupuncturist and they’re simply too strong for my system. My system is so weak that the herbs have given me digestive issues all week, which has further depleted my already-depleted reserves. I’m not taking any herbs tomorrow, and I’m calling my acu on Monday.
Think, think, think, think… That’s what it’s been all week. It will come as no surprise that a major symptom of Spleen Qi deficiency is overthinking. But, at the same time, when you’re prone to overthinking in general, is that any surprise?
So, I will now stop ranting and raving, quickly proofread this post for glaring typographical errors, finish my few dishes, fold the last load of laundry, and go to bed. JJ suggested that I just keep moving as best as possible and get to bed as quick as I can. As usual, he is full of wisdom.
I’m serious about the buddy thing. I know me; I can’t make myself do anything when it’s just me. I need accountability. Someone? Anyone?
My two daughters are the little sunshines of my world. No matter what kind of a mood I’m in, they can always cheer me up. Today had two special moments, and I want to remember them. Perhaps my girls will read this entry themselves some day, and then they will know how much their wonderful childishness meant to their mom.
This evening while making supper, the girls were in the living room dancing to their favorite CD. It’s a mix CD from a wedding, full of great songs like “What a Wonderful World,” ”Brown-Eyed Girl,” Judy Garland singing “Over the Rainbow,” as well as other songs that you wouldn’t necessarily expect on a wedding mix CD, including “Louie, Louie,” “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy,” and “Sweet Home Alabama.”
That last one is one of the girls’ favorite. When that song came on, Lyd came into the kitchen and asked, “Momma, will you come and dance with me?” Now, I’m not a big dancer with my girls, and I was in the middle of making supper, so my instinct was to say “No.” But, I’d also been feeling a bit down all day, and I thought perhaps it might help my mood to dance and be silly. Plus, my daughter was looking up at me with such hopeful eyes and such a happy expression on her face — what could I possibly answer but “Sure!”
I followed Lyd into the living room, where Curious J was already dancing around. I took hold of Lyd’s hands, and of course, J came over and demanded to be in on the circle, too. So, with all three of us holding hands, we danced to “Sweet Home Alabama.” We spun, we twirled, we smiled, we laughed. Both of my daughters have such beautiful, musical laughs.
It was one of those moments where, if I hadn’t done it, I would have remembered it later and regretted it. I’m glad I danced.
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Earlier in the afternoon, as I sorted laundry with the laundry room door open to the outside, my girls found me. The girls’ ladybug rainboots are kept in the laundry room, and once Curious J put hers on, her big sister had to follow. With the open door right there and a beautiful day beckoning, it was the perfect time to dance outside. I had dressed them in matching pants today, and with their boots on, well, I couldn’t resist taking a few pictures:
Oh, if they could only stay this age and this sweet forever. Curious J not only drank out of her sister’s juice cup today with minimal spilling, she also walked down the stairs. Oh, my. They grow up so fast…
Michael Jackson died today. What a strange man, and a sad life.
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I slept badly last night, and have felt lousy all day. I’m also dealing with icky digestive problems, and I’m not sure of the cause. Is it a case of my body still recovering from all of the penicillin the other day? Is it a result of the Chinese herbs my acupuncturist prescribed for me? Not sure. I hope it settles down soon, and I hope I sleep better tonight.
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Curious J is loving slides these days. Whenever we go to a park, her favorite place to play is on the slide. Today, at our local park, she spent most of her time on the kiddie slide, but then noticed the slide for the bigger kids, climbed right up, and went down on her own. What a girl.
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Whenever we go driving, Lyd is noticing Hondas everywhere, especially Honda Odysseys like ours. “There’s a Honda!” is what we often hear from her. It’s kind of funny, but strarting to get annoying. I think I need to teach her more car logos. 
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JJ’s working hard outlining questions for his Comps. He is not enjoying trying to explain liberal Catholic theology. He is trying to prepare one question a day, each of which takes at least a few hours. His first set of Comps will be held July 8. We’ll all be glad when he finishes them, passes with flying colors, and is then DONE with them. Whew!
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I worked hard to clean up the house earlier in the week. It’s disheartening to see how easily it gets messy again. Because I was feeling so sick, I went to bed and left it a mess last night. But, it gave me a chance to have Lyd help me pick up in the morning, which was only right and proper, as she and her sister made the mess, not me. Thankfully, things stayed pretty clean today, which is nice.
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Lyd is obsessed with the game “Guess Who?” We must have played it for an hour this afternoon while J napped. I am glad to play games with Lyd, but it’s definitely one that’s more fun for her than for me. I also realized that I could beat her mercilessly at the game if I truly wanted. I didn’t. However, if we play “Memory” together, then I have to work at it.
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A few more peas poked their heads up today. All of my zucchini plants are developing additional leaves. We’re supposed to get a heat wave here this weekend, so I’m sure that will help. The garden continues to grow…
The garden that my father planted for me is growing! (Click here to see the garden being planted.)
All of the beets came up, which is good, because we all love beets.
Look at all those beets!
All of my beans came up, and what fun they were to watch as they sprouted!
The beans just starting to poke their heads up.
Then a few more poked their heads out.
And now they're all up, and growing rapidly!
My one hill of zucchini, planted in a big flower pot, came up in a big way. Each of the six seeds sprouted! Curious J will have all the zucchini she can eat.
Look at that zucchini!
My pear tomato plant is doing well, too; each plant has at least 20 small tomatoes starting to grow, with plenty more blossoms that might yet turn into tomatoes, too. My peas are starting to come up; I counted at least 10 little sprouts today, with new ones arriving every day. The scallions started to gently poke their thin heads up two days ago, and the lettuce that shares their box is already going gung ho. The carrots haven’t poked up at all yet – except I may have seen two thin green shoots today.
I would like to plant a hill of pumpkins yet, but I’d have to find a container big enough to do the job. I don’t think I have anything that’s the right size that isn’t already being used for something else, so I’ll have to make a trip to the hardware store.
It’s all very exciting to me, a girl who hasn’t gotten to watch an actual garden grow since I was a teenager living at home, having to weed the garden over summer vacation. Somehow, it’s a lot more exciting when it’s actually your own garden!
The treasured garden.
My garden may not be aesthetically pretty, but already we all love it very much.
For years I’ve always told doctors that I’m allergic to penicillin, ceclor, and sulfa drugs. Now, I don’t actually remember ever having an allergic reaction to any of these drugs, but my mother does, so I must have been pretty young. I know I developed these reactions as a result of all the ear infections I had as a child.
Then once while I was in college, I got infected ear lobes. (It turned out that I can only wear solid gold earrings; anything else makes my lobes get itchy, red, or worse. Turns out it runs in the family; my aunt is the same way.) So, the campus doctor prescribed me an antibiotic, and I didn’t pay much attention to what it was. I toook what she gave me, and I had no problems. However, that weekend, when I called home and told my mom about it, she said, “You can’t take amoxicillin! You’re allergic to it!” I responded to her that I’d been taking it for 3 days and was just fine. I tucked that away in the back of my mind and never forgot that.
So, fast forward to me being married and living in CA. When I was pregnant with Curious J, I got a double ear infection, a sinus infection, and an inner ear infection, all during my first trimester of pregnancy. That was not fun, to say the least. My ENT was pretty perplexed as to what he could give me for an antibiotic. JJ and I decided that once I was no longer pregnant or nursing, I would get tested by his allergist and find out if I was indeed allergic to penicillin.
So, last week, I see the allergy doctor, I share my history with him, and he says that 95% of people with a childhood allergy to penicillin outgrow it by adulthood. Hoping that would be true for me, I did an “oral challenge” test today in the allergiy doctor’s office; his nurse gave me small doses of penicillin over a few hours, testing my blood pressure after each dose. Thankfully, I had no reaction whatsoever. So, apparently I am now no longer allergic to penicillin. Yay!
The doctor suspects that the same thing probably would happen for me if I were to take ceclor or sulfa drugs. Allergies to them developed in childhood can be outgrown, too, so depending on how quickly the next pregnancy happens, I may do oral challenge tests for those drugs, too. It would be nice for my doctors to have more antibiotic options for me if I’m ever in a such a situation again.
I had to sit for almost four hours in the doctor’s office today. Except for my trips into a room to take more penicillin and get my blood pressure checked, I spent the time in the waiting room. I knew it was going to be a long afternoon, so I brought work with me — all the receipts and financial papers from the past three months to be gone through. It’s a job that I want to get done, but a job that I have been absolutely dreading. However, with no children to interrupt me, and nothing else to do but read magazines (which I did a bit), I was able to focus and get a huge dent made in that project. There’s still more to do, but I got a lot done. I was thankful for the afternoon in which I forced myself to get a dreaded job done.
Finally, the nurse was amazed at my low blood pressure. I had my BP taken six times this afternoon, and by the end we were wondering just how low it could go. I was:
90/58
96/54
86/50
82/50
80/50
80/50
So, apparently 80/50 is as low as I go. The nurse couldn’t believe my low blood pressure. But, that also runs in the family on my dad’s side. The nurse asked me if I get dizzy when I get up, and I said no. I remember once when I was pregnant with Curious J, the nurse took my BP three times, because she couldn’t believe how low it was (90/60). The plus side of that is that I can eat all the salty foods (ie. potato chips – yum) that I want! Most pregnant women are told to avoid extra salt, but I was actually told to eat a little extra salt just to keep my BP from going too low.
This morning I had my first acupuncture appointment in almost two years. It felt comfortable to see Eric, my acupuncturist, again. I’ve decided to begin going to acu so that I can kick this recurrent bladder infection business, and also to prepare my body to get pregnant again. I’m not trying to get pregnant right away, but I know from experience that it takes a while for your body to come back into balance. Traditional Chinese Medicine is not a quick fix. So, I’m starting now with the hopes that I’ll be in good shape when the time comes that we want to start trying to conceive again.
My diagosis was pretty much what I suspected: Kidney Yin and Yang deficincies, along with some Spleen Qi and Heart deficiencies. Some of my main symptoms are that I struggle with being cold much of the time. I was so glad to see the sun finally come out this past week! Other symptoms I won’t go into, as they’re kind of personal. But one more symptom that I do want to share will come as no suprise to my regular readers: anxiety.
Interestingly, people who suffer from Kidney deficiencies (it seems that it’s rare to have a Kidney excess) also often struggle witn anxiety and fear. Isn’t that interesting to look at anxiety as a symptom of a problem, rather than to look at it as the problem. Other emotional states are also symptomatic in TCM, such as depression being a sign of a Liver Qi imbalance.
Eric also gave me an explanation as to why my anxiety tends to show up around mealtimes, especially suppertime. He said that the Spleen is the seat of the intellect, and over-thinking weakens the Spleen. However, the Spleen is also very involved in digestion (TCM looks at organs differently than Western medicine does.) So, once I start eating, my Spleen energies are divided; energy must go and be involved in the digestion process, but the over-thinking never stops. So, henceforth, that’s when I get anxious, and that also explains why it doesn’t matter to my anxiety if I eat early or late. It also explains why, if I snack while I’m making supper, I don’t get the anxiety. It’s nice to have a reasonable explanation for why that happens.
The idea of emotions connected to our physical bodies is often referred to as the “mind-body connection.” I used to dismiss that kind of thinking as foolish, but I believe it very strongly now. What a difference it would make in our society if we viewed emotional disharmony not as a problem in and of itself, but instead viewed it as symptoms of other, deeper problems, involving both mind and body? How many people take anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication, but aren’t able (or aren’t willing) to address the real root cause of the problem? (Now, I don’tmean to dismiss or criticize everyone who is taking those medications. I’m speaking in generalities, and I know that there are exceptions to every rule.)
But consider post-partum depression: a big risk factor for PPD is not breastfeeding. No wonder: that’s a huge hormone flux to be going through – having a baby and then not breastfeeding. That’s a lot of hormones for a woman’s body to process. Heck, my hormonest went a little wonky and my anxiety kicked into high gear when I weaned my 19 month old! Add into that the stress of taking care of a new baby, not getting much sleep, not necessarily feeling confident in what you’re doing, and perhaps doing it without family around — that’s a recipe for PPD right there. So, wouldn’t it make more sense to address the root causes of the PPD before handing out a prescription for Zoloft? And wouldn’t it be nice for women to have a support system set up before the baby arrives to help them handle those difficult first months with a newborn?
Anyway, I digress. My original point is that emotions are connected to our bodies. Traditional Chinese Medicine acknowledges that, and I’m grateful. So, while I still do my best to cast all my anxieties on the Lord, I also recognize that some of my anxiety is simply a result of the effects of sin in the world. So, it gives me one more reason to recognize Jesus as my Savior, not only from the sins I commit, but also from the sinful nature I and all other people in this world feel the painful effects of every day. Thank God for sending a Savior! We sin-full creatures sure need it.
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Eric also said that my condition would be helped by more sleep.
Sigh.
Yes, I heard that ironic comment from you all the way over here in California.
Fine, I’m going to bed.
I haven’t forgotten about my promise to write about how a Christian woman should strive to live her life.
I’ve been pondering the question, rolling it around in my mind, talking about it with various people now and then, bringing it to the front burner, pushing it to the back burner — and I’m realizing that it’s a big topic.
As I’ve thought about what I want to say, how I want to say it, and how to make sure I say it in such a way that the words that I write are understood as I intend them to be understood, I’ve realized that initial groundwork has to be laid down first. I say that with an inward chuckle; many times when I’ve participated in Bible studies or read books on Biblical topics, I’ve always mentally yawned through the opening section, where the foundations of faith were laid out again. I already knew that stuff, right? Why bother hashing out God’s plan of salvation one more time? Let’s get on to the good stuff!
However, as an older (and hopefully wiser) Christian, I’ve realized that laying the correct foundation is absolutely essential. Because, if the foundation is wrong, then there’s no way one can come to a correct conclusion about whatever Biblical topic one is studying.
Over the years, I’ve had experiences with people, both inside and outside of my church body, who hold to similar beliefs about Jesus and Christianity as I do, but not exactly the same. I would still refer to most of these people as Christians, but as discussions went on about various teachings of the Bible and aspects of Christianity, it was obvious that our different beliefs had a noticeable effect on how we lived our lives.
In some ways, it’s like worship. (It is a tribute to my husband that I am even making this analogy at all. He will laugh when he reads this, but he will agree.) Well, actually, it’s a LOT like worship. There are a lot of Christian denominations out there: Baptist, Reformed, Episcopalian, Methodist, Lutheran, Evangelical, Pentecostal — all of these would fall under the general umbrella of Christianity. Yet if you go to Sunday worship at these various denominations, you will see very different worship services. Why is that, you ask? It’s simple: Each denomination designs their worship in a way that reflects their beliefs. There’s a reason why each of these denominations worship the way they do. Furthermore, that’s why it’s difficult to borrow another denomination’s worship style and use it effectively in your own church without subtlely changing your doctrine along with it. (Yes, I’m talking to you, Church and Changers!)
Anyway, I digress a bit. But my point remains: What you believe affects everything about your Christian life. And that’s what I’m struggling with. Don’t get me wrong; I know what I believe. But how do I effectively and precisely communicate my beliefs in my own words to readers?
I suppose this is the same daunting task that pastors face every week as they prepare to step into the pulpit and preach a sermon.
I’ll keep working on it. The post, perhaps posts, will come. But for a perfectionist like me, it’s not an easy task.
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