not feeling Christmasy
Hi.
Yes, I know. I’ve been quiet lately.
(Although, not really. I still talk as much as I always do. Just ask my husband. 
)
But, yes, I have felt quiet in a blogging sense. I haven’t felt like pouring out my soul onto my blog. Please don’t hold it against me.
Life is SO different here! I can’t stress that enough. I mean, JJ and the girls are the same. The same furniture and dishes and pictures that we had at our old place are all here. And somehow, it seems like the same piles of clutter followed us here, too.
But. Life is so DIFFERENT here. For starters, there’s the Big Church at which my husband is now a pastor. With a Big Church comes the issues that Big Churches have. And that’s all I’ll say about that.
On a personal level, I don’t feel like I have family here (yet – hopefully someday I will). In the small church, it felt more like family. I liked that. And it’s not like I don’t like it here – I do. But, it doesn’t feel like family.
For example, it feels like many conversations I have with people here at the Big Church still start from square one, and that can be a bit tiring for me. In our former, smaller church, I knew what was going on in everyone’s lives (in a good way) and conversations were started where previous conversations had left off. I saw friends and asked them, “How’s your [family member] doing?” or ”How’s the new [thing] going?” or “Are you finally over your cold?” etc. Now, when I initiate conversations with people (which is usually how they start; most people don’t come up to me. Sigh. I think it’s that Pastor’s Wife thing.) I often end up saying, “Hi! Remind me what your name is?” But, I guess that’s part of being new in the Big Church; hopefully it will get better with time.
I don’t know if all of these changes are part of my not-very-Christmasy-feelings this year, but that’s the way it is. I’m not feeling anti-Christmas or Scrooge-like, I’m just not in a very Christmasy mood. It’s been getting a bit better as December has gone on and as we’ve attended a few Christmas-themed events. But this year I’m not planning to decorate the house at all. We’ll put up a tree, of course, and I’ll make Christmas cookies, and we’ve already been playing Christmas music. But other than that, I’m not planning on doing anything to the house. It just seems like too much effort, and frankly, I don’t want to unpack the boxes. Plus, I don’t know where I’d put any of the decorations! We don’t even know where to put the tree! And, especially since we’re not hosting any parties or having any visitors this Christmas season, it just doesn’t seem worth it to me. I know that I could do it for the girls’ sake, but I don’t think the girls will really mind the lack of decorations. As long as they have presents under the tree, they’ll be happy.
I guess what I’m saying in this post is that life here still feels new and different. And I don’t know when it will stop feeling that way. I’m not depressed or anxious; in fact, I physically feel better than I have in years! That’s probably due in large part to the fact that I’m going to bed earlier and sleeping better, and as a result, I’m not blogging as much.
But part of my not blogging is also that I’m still trying to find my way in this new world, and I haven’t found it yet.
Change is always difficult, especially when it wasn’t your personal idea. And uprooting your life to make the change will take time to find your bearings. Hang in there. Once you find some people you can trust to be friends, it will be better. Hope you have a Merry Christmas and God Bless.
estherlou
December 12, 2011