still not supermom, but my kids love me anyway

It is now about 12 hours after my grumpy post of this morning.  I am blogging with a clear conscience tonight: my children are both in bed, and my dishes are done.  The toys are even picked up!  Plus, JJ is out doing a pastoral visit, so I am on my own.  I hope to be in bed by 10pm tonight, so this day is ending better than yesterday.

My mother’s helper was not able to come today, which was a disappointment.  After the nap fiasco that I put Baby J through this morning, she took a decent (hour and a half) morning nap, but she woke up so late that her afternoon nap never happened.  She fussed and fretted in her crib for an hour or so after I put her down, and this time there was no poopy diaper to blame it on.  So, she was a pretty tired, fractious baby in the late afternoon.  Thankfully, JJ was able to be around and amuse her while I got supper ready.  (How does a liturgical husband amuse a baby, you ask?  By playing the new “Christian Worship: Supplement” hymns on the piano while the older daughter dances around the living room, of course!)

Lyd and I had a few lovely moments together this afternoon and evening, which helped to make me feel a little better.  This afternoon, while Curious J was attempting to nap, I became overcome with tiredness.  So, I suggested to Lyd that she and I stretch out on the couch and cuddle/rest together.  She liked that idea, so we did.  I managed to doze off a bit, and when I woke up 10-15 minutes later (because Curious J was squawking and jumping up and down in her crib in the room above me), I found Lyd asleep in my arms, with her arm gently across my neck in a hug.  I cannot remember the last time my firstborn has fallen asleep in my arms.  It’s been quite some time, that’s for sure, and it was a lovely feeling.

But, my baby needed me, so I carefully extricated myself from Lyd’s arms, and thankfully she stayed sleeping.  (She’s the GOOD sleeper!)  When I went upstairs, an overwrought and sobbing Baby J was very relieved to see me.  Since Lyd was asleep in the toyroom, I decided to hang out for a while in my bedroom with the baby.  We have a few toys in our adjoining bathroom that J likes to play with.  J liked the toys, but what she really wanted was me.  She wouldn’t let me put her down; she wanted to be in my arms the whole time.  So, I sat on the floor and hugged her as she stood up and clutched my shirt.  Part of me wanted her to play by herself so that I could read a book or something, but the other part of me enjoyed feeling so very, very needed.  There’s nothing like Momma’s arms when you’ve had a rough day and are all done in.

My other lovely moment with Lyd came while she was in the bathtub tonight.  I asked Lyd if I could help her make up a story with the little plastic dolls that she plays with in the tub.  Well, you would have thought I had just offered her chocolate ice cream!  She was SO excited to have me make up a story with her.  As we created a story together, part of me felt a little guilty that I don’t do that more often, but at the same time, no one’s perfect, and I’m glad I took advantage of the opportunity when I had it.  It made my daughter feel so important and so happy.

Tomorrow I’ll be less whiny.  I promise.  Thanks for bearing with me today, all of you lovely readers of mine.  I don’t know who all the people are who read my blog today, but whoever you are, I hope you felt some kind of connection to what you read and to me.  ‘Cause to me, that’s what blogging is all about — making connections, realizing there are other people who feel the same way you do, and thus feeling less alone.  Come back and read more again sometime, okay?  🙂

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I am (not) supermom.

Guess who just left her baby fussing up in her crib for an hour and 15 minutes with a poopy diaper!  Yes!  You’re right!  It’s ME!

😦

She had already pooped this mornings, so I thought, “Surely there can’t be MORE poop!” while completely ignoring that the whiny, whimpery sounds she was making in her crib were those that she makes when she’s sitting in a poopy diaper, which makes her unable to fall asleep.

I should have just checked her after 15 minutes, which is my usual protocol in those situations.  Now I’m mad at myself.

Thankfully, she does seem to be finally going to sleep.  I put her down at 8:30am, and she now fell asleep at 9:55.  Way to mess up the morning nap, supermom!

—–

I’m feeling lousy anyway this morning, so this incident is just the proverbial icing on the cake.  I don’t feel lousy physically (although this runny nose and junky cough can go away ANY TIME NOW, thank you!), but I feel lousy nonetheless.  It doesn’t help that I stayed up too late last night.  Yesterday afternoon, JJ asked me if I would go on a herbal medicine run to Whole Foods for him (as he is frantically/diligently/unceasingly trying to finish his final paper) and I had told him that I would do it later.  He reminded me of this after the kids were in bed and I was happily ensconced on the computer, reading blogs and watching NBC’s “The Biggest Loser” out of one eye, so I (slightly unwillingly) hauled myself over to WF at 9:30 and got the necessary goods.  I came home to a sink full of neglected dishes, which I did as I watched some depressing show on PBS about how crappy the lives of people who don’t have health insurance can be.  I could tell the show was raising my anxiety level, but the stories hooked me in, and I couldn’t turn it off!  I finally crawled into bed at 11:59pm, when I was beyond tired and even feeling like I had heartburn.  So, of course, I couldn’t fall asleep right away.  Grrr.  It was just all STUPID, and I should have turned off the computer earlier in the evening, done the WF run earlier, not procrastinated on the *&%$ dishes, never turned the TV on, and gone to bed at a reasonable hour!!!

While all of this may be true, there is another factor at play here that I think is having an effect on me.  (Boys, there’s some girly talk coming, so avert your eyes now if that stuff grosses you out!) I got my first period last week, my first one since J was born one year ago.  So my body is now attempting to get back in the swing of things cycle-wise, and I think the shift in hormone levels is throwing me off.  I feel lousy.  I feel grumpy and cranky and negative — and then I exacerbate the problem by staying up late and ignoring my baby’s completely obvious cues, thereby causing myself to compare my mothering skills to that of pond scum.

So.  There it is.

I have many great posts twiddling around in my mind, and some of them are already started as drafts, but instead I have chosen to whine and complain.

AAAHHGGHHAAAA

Sigh.  Alright.  Hormones or not, life goes on.  I made a whopping two item to-do list this morning, and I’m going to see if I can accomplish at least half of that list.  And, I need to make Lyd’s lunch yet.  She’s been begging for mac & cheese in her lunchbox for the last few days.  While I don’t believe in giving kids everything they want, she hasn’t had mac & cheese in a while.  Plus it would make her day.  Perhaps I will find happiness in making someone else happy.  It’s worth a shot.  And hopefully my Mother’s Helper will be able to come this afternoon to clean and play with the girls.  Then I can take a nap.