You know how the tagline on my blog says, “Doing my best not to overthink or be overwhelmed“?
Yeah, I was having a tough time with that today.
BUT, experience is a good teacher, and I’ve learned what I need to do to start down a parth towards feeling better. Even though I don’t want to get up, I know I’ll (eventually) feel better once I do. Even though I don’t feel like eating, I must eat whatever I can, because if I don’t eat, I’ll feel worse. Even though I don’t want to get out of the house, I must get out of the house because being out and about will make me feel better. And, even though I think I am the ONLY one who has EVER felt like this, I know that’s not true. I know that others, right now, are going through the same things (and much worse) and are surviving. I will survive, too.
So, I got up this morning, but only after snuggling with Lyd for a while in bed. I didn’t feel like going to church, but I did, even though Curious J did not take a morning nap today (I think the transition to one nap is mostly complete) and was super-squirmy on my lap during church. In my valiant attempt to look at the bright side of things, I realized that having a squirmy baby took my mind off of my troubles. And we sang a nice setting of Psalm 37 in church. I think I’ll read that Psalm again tonight before I go to sleep.
Before the end of church, I had to take J home as she was wiping out. I fed her a bit first, and while she ate, I forced myself to eat some protein in the form of a hard-boiled egg. I didn’t want to, but I knew it would be good in the long run. Later on, I ate lunch with the family, even though I still didn’t want to. We all drove down to San Jose for the area Reformation service in the afternoon, even though inside I wanted to stay home and be agoraphobic. But we went and in the end I was very glad I went, just like I knew I would be. Tonight after getting the girls to bed, I ate a few leftovers even though I wasn’t that hungry, because smaller, more frequent meals are better for me when I’m having anxiety problems.
And now I’m here, NOT blogging about my hamster-wheel-spinning thoughts or feelings of inadaquacy as a mother or perfectionistic guilt that I carry around with me or my worries about whether I love my second child enough.
Nope. Not going to write about that.
Instead, I’m writing about how I put one foot in front of the other today and did simple things that I knew to be best in the long run for my health. And now, at the end of the day, I can say that today was better than yesterday. I still wouldn’t say it was a good day, but improvement has been made.
As mentioned earlier, Curious J seems to have mostly ditched her morning nap and is now doing one midday nap. So, starting tomorrow, I will also begin to exercise again. My “exercise routine” is too pop the baby into the stroller and go for a walk around the neighborhood. There are some flat streets and some hilly streets. Depending on my mood and depending on how hard of a workout I want, I decide which streets to take. Tomorrow will be an easy walk. I’m just getting started again.
I will continue to eat, even though it’s hard to find things that sound good. I have no idea what I’ll make for lunch tomorrow, but something will present itself. Something always does, and I won’t worry about it.
Today I started to take my Ashwagandha again. I will take that regularly this week. It does help. I will also drink plenty of water.
I will remember that all mothers feel inadaquate some to much of the time. I am normal.
I will also remember that my baby has been waking me up twice a night for the past year. Only in the past week or two has it stopped, and it still happens occasionally. That has been really hard on me. I need to be kind to myself, just like I would be kind to another mother in a similiar situation.
And I will really, really try not to overthink or be overwhelmed. Whether my thoughts are right or wrong, it really doesn’t matter what I think so much as it matters what I do. I will try to do the right things.
And if I fail, I will still be kind to myself. And I will try again.