do, don’t think

You know how the tagline on my blog says, “Doing my best not to overthink or be overwhelmed“?

Yeah, I was having a tough time with that today.

BUT, experience is a good teacher, and I’ve learned what I need to do to start down a parth towards feeling better.  Even though I don’t want to get up, I know I’ll (eventually) feel better once I do.  Even though I don’t feel like eating, I must eat whatever I can, because if I don’t eat, I’ll feel worse.  Even though I don’t want to get out of the house, I must get out of the house because being out and about will make me feel better.  And, even though I think I am the ONLY one who has EVER felt like this, I know that’s not true.  I know that others, right now, are going through the same things (and much worse) and are surviving.  I will survive, too.

So, I got up this morning, but only after snuggling with Lyd for a while in bed.  I didn’t feel like going to church, but I did, even though Curious J did not take a morning nap today (I think the transition to one nap is mostly complete) and was super-squirmy on my lap during church.  In my valiant attempt to look at the bright side of things, I realized that having a squirmy baby took my mind off of my troubles.  And we sang a nice setting of Psalm 37 in church.  I think I’ll read that Psalm again tonight before I go to sleep.

Before the end of church, I had to take J home as she was wiping out.  I fed her a bit first, and while she ate, I forced myself to eat some protein in the form of a hard-boiled egg.  I didn’t want to, but I knew it would be good in the long run.  Later on, I ate lunch with the family, even though I still didn’t want to.  We all drove down to San Jose for the area Reformation service in the afternoon, even though inside I wanted to stay home and be agoraphobic.  But we went and in the end I was very glad I went, just like I knew I would be.  Tonight after getting the girls to bed, I ate a few leftovers even though I wasn’t that hungry, because smaller, more frequent meals are better for me when I’m having anxiety problems.

And now I’m here, NOT blogging about my hamster-wheel-spinning thoughts or feelings of inadaquacy as a mother or perfectionistic guilt that I carry around with me or my worries about whether I love my second child enough.

Nope.  Not going to write about that.

Instead, I’m writing about how I put one foot in front of the other today and did simple things that I knew to be best in the long run for my health.  And now, at the end of the day, I can say that today was better than yesterday.  I still wouldn’t say it was a good day, but improvement has been made.

As mentioned earlier, Curious J seems to have mostly ditched her morning nap and is now doing one midday nap.  So, starting tomorrow, I will also begin to exercise again.  My “exercise routine” is too pop the baby into the stroller and go for a walk around the neighborhood.  There are some flat streets and some hilly streets.  Depending on my mood and depending on how hard of a workout I want, I decide which streets to take.  Tomorrow will be an easy walk.  I’m just getting started again.

I will continue to eat, even though it’s hard to find things that sound good.  I have no idea what I’ll make for lunch tomorrow, but something will present itself.  Something always does, and I won’t worry about it.

Today I started to take my Ashwagandha again.  I will take that regularly this week.  It does help.  I will also drink plenty of water.

I will remember that all mothers feel inadaquate some to much of the time.  I am normal.

I will also remember that my baby has been waking me up twice a night for the past year.  Only in the past week or two has it stopped, and it still happens occasionally.  That has been really hard on me.  I need to be kind to myself, just like I would be kind to another mother in a similiar situation.

And I will really, really try not to overthink or be overwhelmed.  Whether my thoughts are right or wrong, it really doesn’t matter what I think so much as it matters what I do.  I will try to do the right things.

And if I fail, I will still be kind to myself.  And I will try again.

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