There is much on my mind and heart tonight. I am overflowing with thoughts and musings, concerns and prayers. There is so very much I could write about, and yet, …
I don’t have the words.
(Should I end this post after staring at the keyboard for five minutes, or continue to hope that words will come?)
I’ve been praying a lot tonight, but I don’t know what to pray for. The best I can do at prayer is to visualize myself lifting up these various concerns in my hands and showing them to God. I picture a drippy mess, a mess that I can’t contain in my hands, and I say, “Lord, I don’t know what to do about this. I don’t know where to go next. I don’t even know what to pray for. Please help.”
In situations like this, I’m grateful for Romans 8:26 — “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.” Or, as the Bach motet that has been in my head all night goes, “Der Geist hilft unsrer Schwachheit auf.”
I don’t know how certain situations affecting my life are going to resolve. I don’t expect a neat and tidy resolution, nor do I expect answers quickly. I do not expect God to give me a miraculous sign, pointing my future way clear ahead, nor do I expect God to whisper an answer in my ear. But I do expect God to work with and through (and despite!) my free will to affect the events in my life in the way that will work everything out for my good and for the good of his church on earth. No matter what, I absolutely trust that God is still in control.
I still don’t have words, but I know that God does, and everything is going to be already is okay.
(And tonight is one of those nights where I long for heaven. I long to be safe in heaven with those I love, knowing that the struggles and sadness of life on earth is behind me. How do people live without the hope of heaven? I couldn’t do it. Praise God for sending Jesus to take away our sins and give us the sure promise of heaven!)