anxiety as a gift

This morning I awoke to a degree of anxiety.  I was very agitated about it.  I wrote a blog post in my head, explaining my anxiety history and my fears for the future.  I did not type it out.

Later this morning, with the thought that it might help me and because I had things that needed to be done, Curious J and I got out of the house together.  We did a number of errands, and we had a lovely time together.  I was reminded that getting out of my head, getting busy, and getting out of the house are all great ways to disperse anxious feelings.  Again, I wanted to blog about this, but I did not.

Early this afternoon, I had a long talk with my boss.  Thankfully, my job is remaining stable despite the economy.  There is even a possibility for growth next year right here in my back yard.  This would truly, truly be a blessing.  It was wonderful to talk with my boss, and it reminded me of how thankful I am to be working for her.  Our conversation also reminded me how blessed I am to have a job that requires both my body and mind to work together.  I remembered the many times int he past where I arrived at work feeling anxious, but once I got going, I forgot my anxieties entirely.  My job is a blessing for me in so many ways, and plus I get to work with happy little children!

Later this afternoon, I had a long phone conversation with a friend that I’ve never met in person.  As she is at the end of a pregnancy, I got to play doula to her on the phone.  In connecting with her and reassuring her, I once again found my focus shifted away from myself and onto someone else.  This also quelled my anxiety, plus it gave me bit of a “high” as well.  It reminded me that connecting with people and helping others is something that I enjoy — and need.  It reignited my passion for becoming a doula, and it reinforced my desire to begin looking into ways to begin my doula training.  This is an exciting prospect for me.

All of this was very, very good.  God takes care of me each and every day, but I seem to have a hard time remembering this.  Many mornings I wake up and dread what might be in store for me.  Yet at the end of every day I look back on the past 16 hours and am amazed at the love and care God has shown to me.  It reminds me, time after time, that God is working everything out for my good.  He has it all under control.  I don’t know how everything is going to go, but he does, and it’s always good.  But, like a woman in labor who cannot think of anything beyond the current contraction, I need to be reminded every time, every day to breathe, to relax, and that everything is just fine.

Thankfully, I am not alone in this world; God has given me companions in my life.  I am blessed to be married to my husband, who is … perfect for me.  He is such a gift not only to me, but to so many, many people.  I am so proud of him, and I can’t imagine my life with anyone else.  I have my daughters, my beautiful daughters, who mean the world to me.  They are so different and yet so alike, and they bring incredible amounts of smiles and laughter and joy to my days.  I can’t believe how blessed I am to have these girls to love and to train and to call my own.  I have been blessed with friends, with work that I love, with material blessings, and the list goes on.  Some days it seems like this life can’t be real because it’s so … perfect.  (Of course, then I look around at my clutter-filled home, my filthy floors, my bathrooms that desperately need to be cleaned, the avocado and beets that J painted on the wall, and the array of toys left all over the family room, and I realize that it’s not quite heaven yet! 🙂 )

I don’t know why I get anxious.  I have my suspicions.  I think some of it is my “fault,” but certainly not all of it.  I know my body is extremely sensitive to hormone changes, and … that’s just how I am.  I know more and more ways to manage my anxiety, but it’s arrival still manages to catch me by surprise.  I don’t have all the answers about my anxiety issues, but I do know this:

My anxiety makes me rely on God in a way that I probably wouldn’t otherwise.  It makes me aware of my naturally sinful condition, and how much I need my Savior.  It makes me realize the wretchedness of my sinful actions, and it makes me turn to God in repentance.  My anxiety is a gift, to keep me from becoming proud.  It keeps me humble.  It keeps my thoughts on God.  And, truly, it’s never more than I can bear.  (And if, for some reason, it does get bad, I have supplements that can help.  I look forward to a perfect, balanced body in heaven!)  But regardless, God has seen me through every anxious moment.

God’s goodness and love surround me every day of my life.  I am truly blessed!

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And on a lighter tone, I had another blessing tonight.  JJ hooked my kitchen TV up to a converter box last week, and much to my surprise, tonight I discovered that PBS-2 was playing “Anne of Avonlea!”  I own the movie on DVD, but it was a wonderful, wonderful treat to be able to watch Anne in my kitchen while dicing chicken breasts and doing dishes.  I haven’t watched that movie in a number of years, and it’s interesting to watch it again now, after having had some life experiences and gained some maturity.  What a fantastic movie!  It’s hard to believe it’s almost 25 years old!

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One thought on “anxiety as a gift

  1. You and I are always on some kind of a wavelength together! Just today, Mr. Granola was telling me what a “blessing” and a “gift” my stubbornness is!!! (This was after a short conversation re: women staff ministers) He also praised my “old-fashioned-ness.” I am reminded of something that I learned a long time ago while learning to write resumes: one’s strengths are often also one’s weaknesses. 🙂

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