For the past three years, March has been a melancholy month for me. I don’t walk about gloomy and in tears, but it’s a … remembering month. I remember March of 2006, the month I spent being pregnant with a child that I lost in a miscarriage on April 1. That March I also had my first (and hopefully only) experiences with severe anxiety and panic attacks. I was hospitalized for 24 hours in March due to dehydration and severe panic.
March of 2006 was the most difficult month of my life, and it ended with an event that has forever changed me, forever changed how I look at life, and at my life.
I’ll never know for sure what caused my miscarriage. However, I was taking a number of herbal supplements recommended to me by my acupuncturist. She insisted that I continue taking the supplements once I became pregnant, but as the pregnancy progressed, my body became increasingly out of balance. I finally made the decision to completely stop taking the supplements once JJ had to take me to the Emergency Room for a panic attack. I don’t know if the supplements caused my miscarriage. I’ll never know for sure.
I do know that I had been trying for many months to get pregnant, and once I became pregnant, I was terrified at the thought of having a second child. That was the thought that kept running through my mind during my anxiety and panic attacks. I believe there was some truth to that concern, but I believe the chemicals in the supplements inflated that thought to an extremely unhealthy and unmanageable degree.
But I also know that a baby was never visible in the embryonic sac via ultrasound. Did a baby ever even form? My fertilized egg-baby never even developed to the stage of having a recognizable body.
I do not feel guilty anymore about my miscarriage, although I do feel regret. A depth of character was created in me after my miscarriage that didn’t exist before. I have changed profoundly as a result of my miscarriage. I am a better mother to both of my children because of my miscarriage. I trust in God more maturely than I did before, and the experience reaffirmed for me the true-ness of Romans 8:28. And I am more careful and judicious with supplements and vitamins. But I do so wish I could have learned these lessons without having had to go through this experience, and without having to have a new life snuffed out before it barely had time to begin.
I no longer think about my miscarriage daily, or even weekly, although the news of the losses of others always brings back memories of my own loss. It came as a bit of a surprise to me to realize that the Music Together collection for spring is the same one as three years ago. The lullaby that I could not manage to sing in my classes without breaking into tears is still in the collection. Even now, three whole years and one precious baby later, hearing this beautiful, wistful, regret-full lullaby brings back memories of my lost baby. I still don’t know if I’ll be able to sing it in class without crying.
“The water is wide, I cannot cross o’er,
And neither have I wings to fly.
Give me a boat that can carry two,
And both shall row, my child and I.”
Yet as always, the remembering of my lost baby is intertwined with the knowledge that if I hadn’t lost that baby, I wouldn’t have my darling Baby J. And I cannot imagine life without my dear sweet baby.
But, oh, you poor sweet baby that I never knew, I would have loved you, too. Momma still does love you, little Joy. I always picture you playing in heaven, or in some other safe place where God and his angels tend to the souls of little people who never saw the light of day on earth. I’ll never forget you, little one. May God keep you safe and warm and happy throughout eternity.