As I mentioned before, Curious J is weaned, and my body is already giving me obvious signs that it is no longer making milk for a baby.
All of a sudden, the very real possibility is entering my mind that I might get pregnant again. And that would be fine. But the old thought processes that used to run rampant in my mind when I was trying to get pregnant with #2 are starting to re-emerge now that there are thoughts of #3. Thoughts like, “How will I ever handle a second third child?” and “I’d have to give birth again!” and “How will the new baby get along with its big sister sisters?” and the real kicker, “How will I ever love another child as much as I love my firstborn first two children?”
I had real psychological issues during my pregnancy with Curious J. Thankfully, time heals all most wounds, and the passage of time has allayed much of these fears. I did handle a second child just fine. In fact, it didn’t take long for it to feel like “old hat,” as they say. Giving birth again — well, that’s a post for another day. (I’m still working through that one. Suffice to say, once I finally work through all the trauma accompanying J’s birth, I will be a MUCH better doula. I’m hopeful that if I am so blessed to give birth to a third baby, that birth experience will help heal some of the emotional wounds of baby #2’s birth.) The new baby did get along fantastically with her big sister, far better than I could have ever imagined, and I have no fear whatsoever about a third child coming into that situation. Both of my daughters will be wonderful big sisters.
And, how will I ever love another child? Well, what all mothers say really is true: Your heart expands and grows, like a flame, and you love that second child with all of your heart, just like you did the first child. It doesn’t necessarily happen instantly, and you do love the second child differently (after all, it IS a different person than your firstborn), but you still love them completely.
I was very impatient as I waited for baby #2 to be conceived. I worried, I fretted, I wondered what God was up to, making me wait so long. Now in hindsight, I look back and realize that God’s timing was absolutely perfect. Absolutely perfect. I still wish I knew when #3 would arrive, I wish I had more control over the situation, but I hope that this time, I’ll be a little better about trusting God and trusting his timing. Baby #3 will arrive at just the right time. Baby #3 will be just the right baby for our family, and we will be just the right family for our baby.
Until then, I’m going to enjoy having my body back to myself. I’m going to take the time to rest, to rejuvinate, to get my inner physical strength back, and do a few things I couldn’t do when I was nursing. I’ll do my best to enjoy the stage of life I’m in, and I’ll focus on enjoying my girls the way they are right now. Today will never come again, and God’s already got the future under control, so all I need to do is relax.