(Click here for an update on my hip.)
When you’re an over-thinker and a perfectionist at the same time, it’s easy to get caught up in your thoughts and become a victim of “paralysis by analysis.” There is so much to, and I want to do it the Right Way, so I think and think. Add to the mix the fact that I am bored easily, and pretty soon I’m mentally saying, “Umm, what else could I do instead?” and I’m on the computer doing something mindless. like Facebook or reading a blog or two (or three, or …)
Today, this mind trap was really driving me nuts. I feel so lazy!!! I am always stunned and amazed by people who lead much busier lives than I do (ie. more kids, work outside the home, do more from scratch), yet seem to get much more done than I do. I don’t know if I actually am getting more done than I think I am, or if I truly am being lazy, or if I’m just a thinker kind of person, or if I’m tired from my children waking up all of a sudden at night the last few nights (what is up with that??), or … well, you get the idea. Over-thinking comes far too easy to me.
I know that I have always benefited greatly from having a schedule imposed on me from “outside.” When I was a student, I loved the schedule of a schoolday. It was predictable, and I knew how to work within those parameters to get the needed work done. But it has always been difficult for me to stick to a schedule that I have created on my own, a schedule for which there is little to no outside accountability.
I haven’t been able to come up with a solution for that problem. And today was one of those days where I felt very worthless and was mentally beating myself up for not being a better woman, wife, and especially mother. I don’t know exactly what kind of woman I want to be, but I don’t think this is it.
I know that I function better with others around. When my parents were here, I was very good at planning things ahead of time. When any kind of company is here, I’m good at that. When I have someone to work with or at least talk to as I work, I work a lot better. But when I’m on my own, facing a task that just seems utterly boring, it’s soooo difficullllt!
(Whine whine whine moan complain grr grr beating-myself-up grumpy.)
But, as hard as it is, I’ve learned that if I can just DO SOMETHING, start something, make an effort, I do better. Even if my perfectionistic side is not 100% pleased with the direction that I am going, if I at least try, it usually helps. Plus, getting started on a job usually presents new ways of doing that job, ways that I wouldn’t have thought of had I not attempted to do something.
My father-in-law has a saying that he often uses when he feels like he’s been sitting too long, he often says, “I’d better do something, even if it’s wrong.” I used to think that was a strange thing to say, but now I use it to propel myself to get doing something, anything. Just get moving, Emily! Most of the people in the world are in my worse circumstances than you, and a lot of people would give their right arm for your life. So, stop whining and DO SOMETHING.
I don’t know why this is such a struggle for me, but my hope with writing this out (besides publicly embarassing myself with some uncalled-for whining so that I won’t do it again for a long while) is that there’s someone else out there who feels the same way. At least that person will know that s/he isn’t alone.
(Not that I hope there’s someone else out there with this same problem. Maybe I’m just looking for reassurance that I’m not completely weird.)
Well, regardless, I’m going to get off the computer and do something.
Even if it’s wrong. 😉