managing

I almost had a panic attack Saturday night.  It wasn’t quite a panic attack, but it was pretty darn close.  I’m not sure exactly why.  I haven’t had a panic attack in 3.5 years, and they’re just as not fun as I remember them to be.

Plus, JJ is currently in Wisconsin, which made it even worse.  Thankfully, a neighbor from church came over during supper time and even stayed overnight.  She’s an angel.

I have another bladder infection, too.  It started Friday.  It’s a nasty one.  I’m going to try to go to the doctor tomorrow for stronger drugs than what I’m taking.

Both of my girls are sick.  Lyd’s not too bad, but Curious J had a horrible croup-y cough all last night which prevented me from getting the sleep I desperately needed.  She was better during the day, but she’s definitely sick.  However, it hasn’t turned into bronchiolitis, so I’m praying her homeopathic constitutional remedy holds…

My anxiety level is still not great, but thankfully it has been improving ever since this afternoon.  I’m still not doing great, but it’s vastly better than last night.

When my emotions are super-fragile like this, I have to really be careful of what I watch or listen to, as I never know when something is going to trigger some kind of irrationally anxious idea/fear.  However, one thing I can count on to make me feel better is to listen to a recording of the St. Olaf Choir singing Great Hymns of Faith (vol. 2).  It keeps my thoughts turned heavenward, and reminds me that my biggest problem in this life has been taken care of.  When you’re uncontrollably swimming in your own anxieties and thoughts, it’s easy to lose sight of that.

So, with hymns like “The King of Love My Shepherd Is” and “When Peace Like a River” and “My Faith Looks Up to Thee” and gorgeous arrangements like “This Little Light of Mine” (the Moses Hogan arrangement) and a simply stunning arrangement of “The Church’s One Foundation” (I’m begging my husband to incorporate that arrangment into the 2011 WELStock) — well, all of that helps me keep my head screwed on straight while my heart and emotions literally fall to pieces.

JJ comes home on Wednesday.  Hopefully I’ll get a solid night of sleep tonight, and hopefully both girls will, too.  With a bit of sleep, and with some hymns of faith in the background, I’ll make it through.  Gads, it’s such beautiful music.  I’m listening to the arrangement of “This Little Light of Mine” as I type, and the ending literally brings me to tears.  Gorgeous chords!  Man, I miss singing in a choir.  I would practically cut off my right arm to sing in a good choir again, like I did in college.  Sometimes I truly think that if I had that kind of musical outlet again, my anxiety problems would radically subside.  But, that’s just not an option right now, so instead I’ll drool and weep over the beauty of the St. Olaf choir.

Somehow, sooner or later, I’m gonna be just fine.

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