a brighter outlook

I had a surprisingly good day today.  My anxiety was almost non-existent.  I am very grateful.

It was quite a busy day, but despite that, I completely neglected to take a single Ashwagandha tablet (I’ve been taking four a day lately), and I didn’t notice the lack of them!  I taught 3 classes (Thursdays are my busy day), plus JJ and I had a long-planned meeting with our accountant to finally set up a TSA/403b account for us (FINALLY!!!  Hip hip hooray!), plus I made it to Whole Foods to go grocery shopping this morning and met an old student of mine who is All Grown Up now but who remembered me from my middle school teaching years (back in 2001-2003) who was the butcher behind the meat counter at WF.  It was a very active yet very good day.

It felt good.  I felt normal.  It was a relief.

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I’m trying to figure out why I had this almost-panic attack last Saturday night.  I still don’t know why it happened, but I think these things might have been factors:

  • I was taking a new homeopathic remedy, aimed at curing my anxiety.  Hmm.  I think it might have stirred things up a bit…  😉
  • I had a bladder infection.
  • I had been under a lot of stress, along with JJ.
  • I was worrying about my new teaching schedule, as it was double what I was used to.
  • JJ was gone.

That last one didn’t cause the near-panic attack, but it certainly didn’t help.  As I told JJ after he got home, for whatever reason I had never been able to picture him being gone on this particular trip and me being okay with it.  I don’t know why, but I just couldn’t visualize it.

(Oddly enough, when I was pregnant with Lyd, I could only visualize the birth going well.  It did.  When I was pregnant with Curious J, I could only visualize the birth having problems.  It did.  Apparently, there’s something behind this visualization stuff.)

JJ’s leaving again for Wisconsin in one week.  It’s another four-day trip.  However, I can visualize myself handling that trip a little better.  Hopefully that will pan out.

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So, I’m glad to be doing better.  I’m SO thankful.  I still can’t sleep at night without taking a Valerian, but my dreams are getting less weird and less intense and I’m having less dreams (that I remember), so perhaps the weird dreams was more a result of my heightened nervous state than a side effect of the Valerian.  While I hate being dependent on something to sleep, I know it’s only for a little while.  Plus, Valerian is good for my Heart system (according to traditional chinese medicine), and the Heart system is very affected by anxiety problems.  Valerian strengthens the Heart, and if a person takes it, s/he should take it at bedtime.  So, I’m trying to look at it as a positive thing.

Today also reminded me that a certain amount of being “out and about” helps me not be anxious.  However, I have to make sure I’m not too much out and about, or I start feeling overwhelmed.  It’s hard to find the right balance, that’s for sure.  But, I’m grateful for the good day that I had.  It gives me hope that more good days are coming in the future.

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