unexpected surprise

My body took me for quite a ride the past week.  It wasn’t quite what I was expecting, but God’s will is best.

I thought I was pregnant.

I’ll spare you all the cycle details, but for those of you who know about this sort of thing, my luteal phase lasted five days longer than average.  My luteal phase is extremely predictable, so five days longer had me really wondering what was up.  Plus, I did not have any PMS symptoms (no chocolates or potato chips for me this month, thank you), was more tired than usual, was even a bit nauseous at times, and felt many strange twinges and sensations in my abdomen.  However, for three mornings in a row when I took a pregnancy test, it came up negative every time.  It had me very confused and befuddled.

I had other reasons to believe I was pregnant.  According to the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility, when one’s luteal phase extends at least three days longer than average, one is most likely pregnant.  I had that.  My naturopath (I had a visit with him to discuss some changes to my vitamins) felt my pulses Chinese-medicine-style, and he said that my pulses indicated pregnancy – wow!  I had a weird, oddly-timed anxiety attack six days after ovulation, at about the time an embryo would be starting to implant in the uterus.  As my anxiety is almost always bio-chemical in nature, I wondered afterward if that attack was my body’s way of registering a “foreign object” in my body.  Even my husband thought I was pregnant, and he doesn’t make predictions lightly!  But, most of all, I just knew I was pregnant.  I can’t explain it, but I knew it.

Yet, nature eventually took its course, and … I’m not pregnant.  I don’t know what to think about what happened.  I’ve never had a cycle like this before without being pregnant.  I was so sure that I was pregnant!  It was as if my body was just stringing me along, giving me every sign in the book – except for a positive pregnancy test – that I was pregnant!  So I was quite stunned when I realized that I definitely was not pregnant.

My husband and I were able to share a nice lunch together in our kitchen today, while Jujubee played quietly in the toyroom.  (She had eaten earlier, so it was as good as a date!)  As JJ and I ate our spinach salads and discussed what had happened, my husband suggested that perhaps I had been pregnant, but had just had a super-early miscarriage.  Hmm.  I hadn’t thought of that possibility, because I never got a positive pregnancy test.  But I also know that pregnancy tests only measure hCG levels once those levels reach a certain point.  So, if my hCG levels never reached that point, I would never have gotten a positive pregnancy test.  But yet, I still might have been pregnant.  If I had gone to my OB’s office and gotten a blood test, I would have known if I was pregnant, since blood tests measure hCG levels of any amount in the blood, no matter how low.  However, I didn’t do that.

I’ll never know if I was briefly pregnant or not, but as I think about it, my husband’s theory makes the most sense.  I had so many unusual symptoms that are all associated with pregnancy that it seems most logical that I had a very early miscarriage.  Strangely, that doesn’t bother me emotionally at all.  It just … wasn’t meant to be, I guess.  (Although, with my other miscarriage happening in March of 2006, it seems that March is not my best month for establishing a pregnancy!)

Despite this disappointment, I feel quite upbeat.  Hey, I (think I) got pregnant!  And, if the pregnancy was doomed to end, at least it ended early, and I didn’t have to get my doctor involved.   This experience has also been a good reminder to me that I really do need to continue to take care of myself physically.  This past month was a difficult one in the illness department.  Not only did Jujubee and I get sick with a nasty head/chest cold, but then each member of the family, including myself, took a turn having the Plague (stomach flu).  And, of course, who takes care of everyone?  Mom!  My body was probably more tired out than usual, and that might have been a factor.

So, I’m going to continue to focus on getting sleep.  I was extra tired these past few evenings, much more so than usual, and I was very good about getting to bed by 10:30.  I want to continue that trend, because my body can certainly use the extra sleep.  A friend and I go walking three mornings a week, and it’s nice to have that regular exercise in the schedule.  I’m also back to taking my iron supplement daily, something I should have been doing all along.  Thanks to my visit with my naturopath, my vitamins are all set now, too.  Since I had problems with morning all-day sickness during my past pregnancies, my naturopath and I even talked about some strategies to help me with that should it be a problem again in the future.

I feel very prepared and ready to continue trying.  This wasn’t what I expected to happen, but it’s in the Lord’s hands, and I trust his wise timing.  For months now, I’ve prayed, “Dear Lord, when the time is right, please send just the right baby to our family.”  I feel confident that he will answer that prayer wisely and perfectly.