reflections at four years post-miscarriage

Today, April 1, 2010, marks four years since I had my miscarriage.  I wrote this post about the physical experience of my miscarriage, and it easily holds the record as the Post with the Most Hits on This Blog.  It seems that, sadly, I am not alone in experiencing a miscarriage.

So, four years away from it — how do I feel now?  Well, having a pregnancy that did not end in miscarriage but instead ended with the birth of a healthy baby greatly helped in the healing process.  As far as the baby that I lost, I believe strongly that God is taking good care of that baby.  I don’t know if miscarried babies go to heaven, because God doesn’t say that in the Bible.  But neither do I want to believe that miscarried babies go to hell.  So, I rely on the knowledge that God is merciful, and … that’s where I leave it.  I believe that God is much wiser in ways that I as a simple human cannot imagine.  I am comforted by the knowledge of God’s love for me, as well as his love for the child he formed in my womb, whose few days were known before one of them came to be.  I’m at peace about it.

I’m now trying to have another baby, and there’s always the fear that it will happen again.  Maybe it already did; I’ll never know for sure.  I certainly don’t want to have another miscarriage, but I am better than I used to be about trusting my future – and the future of my children – to God.  I’m definitely not perfect at trusting God, and I doubt I ever will be, but it helps to be able to see, in hindsight, how much good has come out of experiences that at the time I thought were so bad.  More good than I ever could have imagined came out of those experiences, and that knowledge makes it easier to continue trusting God with the future, whatever that future holds.

So, today I remember the baby that I lost.  To honor that baby, I hug my two daughters a little closer and thank God for all his blessings in my life.

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