discombobulation

I’ve been feeling rather “off” lately.  I’m not quite sure what’s wrong, although I’m sure that the dose of my homeopathic constitutional remedy that I took last week has been part of it.  I was quite jittery in both body and mind by the end of last week (and the stressors I mentioned last week certainly didn’t help my situation!), but now that the new week has started, I’m starting to feel a little better.

However, my body still doesn’t feel quite right.  I’m getting close to ovulation, but it feels more like I am PMS’ing.  I’m not sure what to think about that, but like most things that are cycle-related, it likely won’t last forever.

Today I felt mildly dizzy a few times.  And tired.  I’m still quite tired.  However, ever since we returned home from WI, my husband has been very good about getting to bed by 10pm or 10:30 at the latest.  He’s got three airplane trips planned to WI and the East Coast this fall, and he doesn’t want to be completely thrown off every time he heads to a different time zone.  So, he’s been better about getting to bed at a decent hour, and that makes me more conscious of getting to bed, too.  I’m not sure why I’m so tired, but I’m trying to go for walks and get my blood pumping a little more frequently.  Hopefully that will help.

Of course, stress is tiring, too, and like I mentioned, there is stress.  My husband lately has been carrying lots of Pastor Stress, which is comprised of things he can’t talk to me about.  I hate that; I mean, I don’t hate that he can’t tell me, but I hate that he has to bear these burdens alone.  I wish he could share these stresses with someone, but that would betray the confidence of those who have confided in him.  It’s hard to see him feeling down over things he knows that are happening in his parishioners’ lives.  I guess that’s part of being a pastor — knowing the whole story and not being able to tell anyone else.  A pastor has to bear a lot of burdens – and criticisms – in silence.

Then, there’s the fact that I can’t shake the feeling that we’re going to move.  JJ does not have a Call, nothing has happened, but I have this very intense intuition that our lives are about to drastically change.  I both long for it and dread it at the same time.  I’m trying not to think about it too much, but things seem so dramatically different this year than previous years.  I feel a very strong need or organize and sort through more stuff, and JJ is encouraging me along these lines, too.  We know that if/when a Call does come that we would take, we won’t have the time or inclination to go through all the stuff, so it will probably just all end up getting packed.  And who wants to spend the time and money packing junk?  But, in order to properly and effectively go through stuff, I have to do it with the idea in my head that we might be moving, and that’s a strange idea to hold for a long time in your head when in reality, you’re not actually moving anywhere (yet).

Also, Lyd is in first grade.  To me this is just … weird.  She has started piano lessons.  She is reading more and loving math.  We get math questions all the time from her.  It just makes her seem so grown up.  And she’s getting SO tall.

Plus, Jujubee is potty training.  This will get an entire post in itself, but the idea that my baby is potty training is … wow.  I’m really ready for another baby.  I even got told that at church a few weeks ago!  I apparently looked quite blooming and pretty, and was told so by a member of our church.  She followed up her compliment of me by saying (in a very non-threatening way), “It’s time for another baby!”  It’s true: I really feel like I’ve pretty much recovered physically from having another child.  She regularly sleeps through the night, she does more and more things on her own all the time, and while Jujubee still refers to herself as a baby, she’s really not.  So, that is different, too.

Another thing that’s different is my teaching schedule.  The lousy economy is finally being felt here in Silicon Valley, and my boss is seeing a marked decrease in enrollment.  It makes sense: when money is tight, an easy item to eradicate from the budget is toddler music classes.  But, for the first time since I began teaching, I won’t have my Tuesday morning class.  I have ALWAYS had my Tuesday morning class.  That was the very first class I ever had!  But, alas, it is no more.  There weren’t enough families enrolled to run the class.  That feels very weird to me.

A thing that’s not completely different but has become more of an issue lately is my arm.  I do not have carpal tunnel in my right arm, but I have something wrong with it.  I think it has something to do with my mothering; perhaps it’s the fact that I always lay my baby’s head on my left side and change her like that, or maybe it’s the fact that J usually holds my hand on the right side and yanks it funny, or perhaps it’s something else.  I don’t know.  But the muscles in my right arm, from my wrist to my shoulder, hurt like crazy when I’m on the regular house computer.  (However, JJ and I switched computers tonight.  He’s working on the house computer, and I’m working on his laptop in a comfortable living room chair.  My arm is barely hurting at all in this position, so I can type easily.)  I’ve been actively avoiding my computer during the day (which is probably a useful choice anyway!), and massaging and stretching my arm quite aggressively, and that does seem to be helping.  I had this same problem when Lyd was about Jujubee’s age; it’s as if my arm just gives out after three years of nursing and rocking and reading stories and changing diapers and carrying babies and putting kids in car seats and who knows what else.  Apparently, my arm can only handle so much.

The other change, a welcome change, is the new Kindergarten teacher we have at our tiny school.  I cannot begin to express what a joy it is to have someone around who comes from the same WELS teacher background that I do and who understands viscerally what it means to be in the public ministry.  She is truly a blessing to our church and school – and to JJ and myself.  With her happy smile and helpful ways, my girls have quickly learned to love her, and I am grateful to have someone my own age in the church with whom I have so much in common.  It’s a big difference, but it’s a good different.

All of these major and minor changes have left me feeling a bit … discombobulated.  Life just feels very different.  On the surface, things are going as normal, but on the inside, I feel all mixed-up and rearranged.  That’s probably not all bad, however.  No one wants to be stuck in a rut.

There are lots of changes happening.  We’ll see what else the future holds.

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