The last month has been an unusually stressful one for JJ and me. We’ve had some negative stressors at church (which, thankfully, are over now and won’t be an issue again), and we’ve had some positive stressors (JJ’s travel to the East Coast, house guests, big pastors’ party, birthday party for Lyd). There has been lots that has happened that has required our time and energy.
Long-time readers of this blog will know that I have been trying to get pregnant since the start of 2010. Getting pregnant this past month, however, would have resulted in a baby that would have arrived an an extremely inconvenient time for my husband and me. Next summer is the big WELS National Worship Conference in MN, a conference that only happens every 3 years and to which both my husband and I would like to go. The last time the conference happened in 2008, JJ went to it alone, and I really wished our situation had been different so that I could have gone, too. So ever since then, JJ and I had been planning how we might attend the conference together next summer. Having a baby at that time would definitely have not worked into those plans.
Yet, at the same time, we knew that even more than we wanted to go to the conference, we wanted to have a baby, and we knew that God’s timing is best. So, while we didn’t officially “try” last month, we didn’t “not try” either. We decided that whatever happened, happened. With all the stress we were under, we didn’t think anything would likely happen anyway.
So, you know what happened, right?
What happened in March almost exactly happened again. I never got a positive pregnancy test, but I had all sorts of unusual physical signs that said that Something was happening. Then it all ended.
The big difference this time was that I had physical confirmation that I was indeed pregnant, if only for a short while. I noticed the passing of an actual sac, along with some heavier-than-normal bleeding.
So. There it is. A pregnancy at the time it was quite unexpected and we weren’t even trying, and then the loss of that pregnancy. I am very tired. And sad.
I’m doing my best to hold onto the belief that God’s timing is always best. JJ and I continue to wait and hope that a new baby will indeed find its way into my body, grow strong and healthy, and eventually be placed into our arms.
“And we know that in everything, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28.