I’ve come to the realization that there are some things about yourself that you just can’t help.
In my case, I am an over-thinker. There is just no way around it. I overthink things. Even though things (most of the time) turn out better than I could have imagined, I still have a tendency to overthink. And worry. And wonder, “How will this all work out?”
There are many question marks in my life right now. I don’t know how these issues are going to be resolved. No idea. These problems/half-problems/unclear-what-will-happen-next-issues gnaw away at me. I do my best not to think about them, but there are far too many times when I completely and utterly FAIL.
What seems to work best is to keep as busy as I can. Of course, there are SO many things I could do, so many directions in which I could go, that it seems impossible to choose what to do first. “Paralysis by analysis,” as my father once said.
I’m writing a few to-do items down on lists, but if I were to really let loose with all of the to-do things in my head, well, it would be a long list. It’s so difficult to think about that I feel like I can’t start anything except the absolute basics that must be done.
I’m grateful that God promises to work everything out for our good. In my mind, that even includes my frail human self, with all of its less-than-ideal tendencies. It’s probably good that everything doesn’t come so easily for me; I’d forget about God entirely and think that my happiness was purely my own doing. Imperfection keeps one humble.
It will be interesting to see what the future holds for my life. So many questions, and just like the pages of a novel reveal the story gradually, so the pages of my life reveal more and more of my story every day.
But it’s good to be present in the present, no matter how imperfect that present may be. Yesterday I was running some errands. driving on the big, bad freeways while listening to the radio. Some song came on, I don’t even remember what it was, but the tune (not the words) made me feel reflective and look around at my life and think, “Here I am.” Or, as the Snoopy shirt says, “It is what it is.” There’s a certain peace that comes from accepting your situation as it is, and accepting yourself for who you are, flaws and all. (I’m not talking in a theological sense here, for any pastors who might be reading this blog.)
But to know yourself, with your strengths and weaknesses, and to accept them as they are, goes a long way in propelling one forward.
Despite all the questions in my life and the flaws that I perceive myself to have, I hope I can continue to move forward as best as I can, in order to become ever closer to the woman God has planned for me to be, without overthinking it too much along the way.
Or, as my Grandma would say, “Emily, just let things flow.”