letting go and being still

When you very much want to be pregnant, it’s really difficult to not be pregnant.

Despite that fact that I know, I know that God’s timeline is best, the devil works hard on me to get me to doubt that.

Deep down inside, I have a very hard time accepting that God’s answer to my prayer for another baby might be “No.”

It’s also incredibly frustrating to realize, in the process of wrapping up our 2010 finances, how much money I spent on acupuncture and herbs and supplements last year (none of which was covered by insurance) to try to get pregnant – and I’m still not pregnant.

In my mind, I have set an ending date for when we will stop spending money to try to get pregnant.  My husband is the only one who knows when that date is.  It could still change, but I felt the need to set at least a tentative date.  I’m not sure how I’ll react if that date arrives and I’m still not pregnant.  There will be decisions that will have to be made, and perhaps a grieving process to go through.

No matter what happens, I need to learn to be content with the family I have at this moment.  Because I may not get baby number three; two children may be all that God sees best for me to have.  So, I need to be content and grateful for that.  I am most definitely grateful, but the content part comes hard.

My goal for 2011 definitely needs to be that of working on being still and knowing that God is God.