This Call of my husband’s has shaken me up a bit. A lot.
I thought that having an answer to whether or not he would get a Call would solve my wonderings about the future. What has happened is that it’s opened up a whole new bunch of questions.
And in the background of all of these questions is the question I’ve been wondering about for over a year now: Will I get pregnant again? If so, when? I was doing SO good at relaxing this past few weeks, and then this Call arrived and threw everything off-kilter. Now I’m back to big-time over-thinking, and I know that’s not good for getting pregnant.
I had a big anxiety attack the other night. Perhaps it was just the stress of the Call making its presence known, or perhaps it was something else. I don’t know. But I don’t like to see this recurrence of anxiety attacks.
Thankfully, God knew what I needed to hear in church yesterday morning. The service was centered around the theme of “Don’t worry.” As it has been for the past weeks, The Gospel reading was from the Sermon on the Mount. (As a side note, my pastor-hubby uses the three-year lectionary suggestions for his Bible readings in the worship service. The lectionary is a schedule of readings that most congregations use, meaning the topic of what a pastor will preach on is not subject to the pastor’s whims. What are the chances that this particular reading would show up in this week’s lectionary readings!) This week’s reading was where Jesus says, “Consider how the birds…” and “Consider how the lillies…” The hymns, the Psalm (Psalm 37), and pretty much everything else in the service reminded me that God’s got it all under control, and I don’t need to worry about it. The guest preaching pastor said it this way, “Don’t worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow never comes. By the time tomorrow comes, it’s today.”
It’s especially comforting to think that God knew all of his children before time began, and knew that he would save them before time began, has my whole life planned out to work for my good. But I’m not a pre-programmed robot or anything, which is the amazing part. The fact that God knows what I’m going to do doesn’t cause me to do it. It’s quite comforting that God’s already got it all worked out for my good. It helps me to look at new and/or confusing events in my life as an adventure.
I still with I knew if I would have another baby. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to become pregnant. It seems that just about every woman my age that I know right now either is pregnant or has a newborn (or has purposely decided not to have anymore kids). It’s ridiculous. I don’t know why God keeps passing me by. I love babies, I love children, I’ve always dreamed of having a larger family, and I think I’m a pretty good mother. Jujubee is almost three and a half, and it seriously breaks my heart to think of never having another baby. Because Jujubee is definitely not a baby anymore!
But, I’m going to do my best not to worry about it. If a baby is meant to arrive, s/he will arrive at just the right time, and God already knows when that right time will be. Sigh. It’s not easy to give that dream completely over to God, that’s for sure.
At least I have a lot of other things to occupy my mind these days!