five years

Today marks five years since I had my first miscarriage.  It’s funny how time flies.  The thought of that lost baby doesn’t cross my mind often anymore, but my fear of a miscarriage hasn’t gone away.  It probably never will.  It hasn’t helped that I’ve had two early miscarriages since Jujubee was born.  I’d love to be pregnant, but I’m also terrified of miscarrying again.

But, I’m not likely to get pregnant anytime soon anyway.  It’s just reality.  I’m super-stressed out about our upcoming move, and considering that I didn’t get pregnant up to this point, when I had been doing acupuncture and herbs, it’s extremely unlikely that I’ll get pregnant now.

Because you see — I decided to stop doing acupuncture and herbs.  That was a sad decision to make.  I cried.  A lot.

Sigh.

I’m still doing some herbs to help keep my anxiety from overwhelming me, but they’re not for fertility.  And, at our new home, there most likely won’t be extra money for acupuncture and herbs, so it seems like that door of my life is closing.

Miracles can happen, but I’m trying not to expect one anymore.  It’s good that I have so much other stuff to occupy my mind.

I’m grateful for the two girls I have, and I’m glad that they get along pretty well (most of the time).  They’ve been going through a bit of a rough patch in their relationship during this past school year, but hopefully it’s just a phase.  Most of the time they are happy to be together.  Tonight they chose to sleep in the double bed together; I was pleased.  And they make each other laugh.  That’s good, too.

But my girls tell me that they want me to have another baby.  JJ talks like it will happen eventually, and I hope he’s right.  I’m taking the crib with us to our new house, and I’m also taking the baby clothes.  Hope springs eternal, I guess.  Deep down, I can’t bring myself to actually believe that another baby is truly NOT going to happen.  But after an unending procession of disappointments, it’s just as hard to believe that it actually WILL happen.

It’s been five years since my fertility problems first surfaced.  Jujubee has been the bright spot in a long and unexpected – and sad – chapter of my life.

I wonder what the next five years will bring.

If nothing else, I hope it brings me a feeling of peace.

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