not barren, but not pregnant either

Even though my thoughts these days are mostly consumed with getting-ready-to-move thoughts, I am not able to totally forget that I want another baby.  I’m still not pregnant, and I still get sad about it.  As we’re sorting through our things deciding what comes with us and what doesn’t, we’ve had to make decisions on whether to keep various baby items, and it breaks my heart to have to make those decisions.

I don’t know how to make this intense longing for another child go away.  I wish I did.  I wish I knew how to be one of those people who has two kids and says, “I’m done!”  That would certainly solve a lot of problems and take away a lot of heartache.

Sigh.

I recently discovered a blog for women who are experiencing infertility, written by LC-MS (Lutheran Church – Missouri Synod) women.  In case you’re interested, here’s the link: He Remembers the Barren.

Although, technically, I don’t think I could be considered “barren.”  I do have two biological children who are living.  I also have at least two children waiting for me in heaven, possibly three.  So, I don’t know if I can call myself “barren.”

I’m in this odd place somewhere between infertile and fertile.  I don’t really fit any category, I guess.

All I know is that I want more babies, and it doesn’t seem likely that I will have them anytime soon.  I’m pushing 35, and my body is already showing signs of getting older.  I don’t have money to pursue fertility treatments, and I don’t know if I would choose to go that route anyway.  Acupuncture and herbs are wonderful and helpful and make me feel better, but they no longer seem to be enough to make The Magic happen.  So I don’t know if another baby is realistically in my future anymore.

And all of that makes me sad.  I’m definitely distracted by this upcoming move, but this situation still makes me sad.

Jujubee is starting Kindergarten in the fall; I’ll have no baby at home.  While I know it’s the right thing for Jujubee, I’m sad to think that the time in my life to have little children at home might very possibly be past.  The extra bedroom in our new house will not have a crib set up in it.  That’s sad.

Ugh.  I know that we all have a cross to bear, yet I never really believed that this one would be mine.

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